Three week countdown to nuptials

thoughts of what marriage is, means and what do I want out of it

Pilates x2, boot camp and running 10 miles to get that booty just so

crazy conversations with dad, a sister that doesn’t get it, a sister that does and my personal bingo card to collect them all

stress bickering and misunderstanding my partner, I’m really so ready for the planning to be over

missing veils, non existent veils, half done jobs and me trying to keep my cool to leettt iiittt gooooooo

my own guilt of excepting this goodness, this man and this life, my heart is full, and grateful and worried that I’m taking advantage of it all

plants and new flowers, fresh growth from my seedlings bring me peace and simple joy

mama bird making her nest out of my extra, hidden away by our door step, our private theatre show, now a family of five and witness to a sweet aspect to life

ramping up to friends from out of town, festivities and vows. Vows! I promise to care, and listen, to myself and you, to be patient and present, my lover my friend and my partner.

Make decisions out of hope not out of fear.

I win.

Enroute to home and things I want to remember.

Awareness of how hard I’ve been on myself in the past.  Allow more space for myself and my imperfections.

Inspired by film photography and dreaming of those soft sensual textures.  Something to play with and be moved by.  A new hobby perhaps.

Trust my process.  Trust my process.

I see a bit more quality in my work these days.  I have less work overall, but how great it is to create work I’m proud of.

Paris feels the same.  As in, I can be there, alone, and be happy.  Until I realized my love was out of immediate reach and tears found my eyes when they also found him. Yes, my heart is his.  A good trip.

Catching up with old friends, memories of trips past.  Good wine, great food, lots of walking (6 miles a day average), lots of time for just me.

I went and sat at my cafe and watched the people go by.  The red and cream colored bistro chairs squeaking and adjusting with movement.

New – Top of the arc de triumph and grand views.   Running up the many many steps and glad for the workout.

Most of the iconic spots checked off as well as my old hood and routines.

Memories –

Late night tea and conversations with Amel.

Late night wine at La Cornetable with Ambroise, Amel and Imane as we laugh the morning away.

Secret Menu and nostalgic processing of the past with Yasmina

Mont Saint Michel with Amel

French cooking class with Lili

Brunch, a sunday walk along the canal and artist atelier by candle light with Amel and Imane

Casual saturday at home, open mic night and then acting like we’re 25 year old students and jamming in the suburbs until the wee hours of the morning with darling cuties.

Wine bar hopping with Brian and Betsy and ending the evening the french way with underground cave 60’s music dancing

My photo sessions and photo walks.  Paris is always easy and hard to truly capture.

Non stop to Paris – January 8th 2018.

Ten years I have been traveling to Paris.

Heart full and grateful is all I can muster.

Rain was pouring this morning so I was able to go on my run.  Chris chose to work from home so he could see me off.  Naturally, he made banana muffins.  He drove me to the bart station 4 blocks away so I wouldn’t have to walk in the rain with my bags.  As much as I have traveled I always bring too much stuff.

I peeked out my window to the night sky and was surprised to see green clouds dancing in the night sky.

they were only there for a few minutes more..  my timing couldn’t have been more opportune.

May you be startled.

May you be who you want to be.

May you have courage.

My plans and schedule is to enjoy, see people, do some projects, eat a lot of duck and croissants and enjoy my city.

I’m staying with Amel, and have plans to run with Yasmina, dinner with Imane , hanging out with lili who has come into town to see me and of course some open mic nights.

We are all living a story that we aren’t really aware of.  The narrative always taking the turn we least expect.

Almost six years Paris has been my second home.  Although this trip feels more like a memory of what used to be.

I’m a very different person that when I first booked my one way ticket with a broken heart and searching for a new life and a reprieve.  I was naive, hungry, grasping at something to pull me up.

It took me a while, but I found that strength and purpose in myself once I was able to focus.  I gave that stability to myself.  I am so grateful that I allowed myself that process even though it wasnt’ always a pretty road.

Now I’m settled, self-aware, engaged, confident person who finally knows her strengths and weaknesses and seeks to embrace my process instead of running away from it.  I’ve pushed myself forward, learned how to let someone in, dug deep and found out what I’m capable of.

Life is so full of so much more then I have yet to imagine.  New challenges await around the corner.  I’ll survive, I’ll find joy and feel strength once again. Delicious ambiguity.

Things I’ve learned about last year::

How to water color

about US history, how to go back to school and how I don’t suck at it.

how to communicate better, how to share a home with someone, started the journey of a life with someone

How to save me from myself

Things I want to learn in 2018::

How to not lose my shit in stressful moments

How to make space for people to be themselves and not affect me

Space for myself to be creative, be connected and inspired

I want to feel alive, and enable that in the people around me as well.

Anxiety and gratitude.

Thankful for –

My dad who gave up his college degree and passion to help his sick Mom.

For it not being about me.

For wonderful future in laws.

For a husband to be who makes me feel like magic.

For better run time. 💪🏻

For cousins I love + the reintroduction of extended family.

Anxiety over –

Wedding costs

Career goals

Friendship checklists

Manic – Is how I find myself feeling these days.

Somehow I cannot find the mental tenacity to maintain peace and joy that I find throughout the day.  My mental monster tares a part everything that is good in my life showing me the negative awful, insecure, narcissistic elements of myself.

Truth –  I will be ok.  I will survive.  I will have moments of joy.  I will have moments of trial. I’ll have to pick myself up a few times, but guess what.  Joy comes in the morning.

I have done incredible things with my life.  I’ve made good decisions and bad.  I have carried myself forward beyond all sorts of hardships.

Give myself grace, give grace to others.  Don’t be such a critic (haha look at me).  Breath, breath, breath, breath.

Who are you Sarah?  Who do you want to be?

Happy, balanced, hungry, driven, successful, compassionate, strong.

Strong, strong, strong.

Be the best me.

Excuse me, Im seeking balance.  Balance has to be sought.  You don’t simply bump into it.

I need a line of security that is my own.  I need a job.

A path.  A direction.

Give myself time.  Allow myself this process of change.  The next thing is coming.  It will find me or I will reach for it when I see it.

Until then, breath.

Ah, it’s spring!  The season of new stories.

It was everything I new I had been looking for, but didn’t know what it was until it was exclaimed from my yoga teachers mouth.

The last month of bustle was delirious and delightful.  Great connecting with my love and adventures abounding.  38th birthday, Paris, weekend with his family, NYC for 30 hours and getting our home whipped into shape.

Monday’s stillness came along with my hormones and all the things I haven’t had time to process as well.

This week has been a journey of unpacking those things and allowing myself time to find my identity in this next phase of life.  Me, the non gypsy, the attached committed lover, the being content in my stillness and figuring out what is next without my inner negative voice undermining me.

Intentions and mindfulness.  It is an art in itself.  I need some dedicated me time, and then I need some more work for my bills I want to pay down, and then I want to travel, and have a great body, have great sex, get married to my love, have babies, take great photos, HAVEITALL.  It all doesn’t bring happiness though.  It’s being content where I’m at, with what I have that does.  It is simply perspective and gratefulness that does it all.

Grateful for my hair on my head, my eyes and my fingers.  For my boyfriend who on a daily basis reminds makes me feel like i’m wonderful.  For my job that allows me to be free if I want, or busy if I want.  For my beautiful home, and all of its warmth and comforts. For my family and their love and patience.  For my friends and their desire for community.  I have all the things I could possibly ever want.

60 hours on London –

after zero hours of sleep, like a zombie I made my way yo Chiswick park to rendezvous with Amel and find our flat for the weekend thanks go Vincenzo.

A two hour power nap and I’m a new woman.  Amel and I meet up with old friends for a lovely indian dinner and then wine at Vagabound wines on Charlotte Street.  It was a great evening of catching up and heart squeezing memories.

The next morning we are brunching with Amel’s old friend and shopping in South Kensington.  We take a long midday pause for irish coffees and rooftop garden views with Flamingos.

Last minute dinner party invitations from an old friend’s older brother that lives in town and saw my proximity. My evening is unscheduled and I accept.  I stop to laugh at my life, I mean, of course this is how it goes.  #Grateful

Managing my way through public transportation and winning. Mosty anyway.  I easily fall into life wherever I go.  Except maybe where I am stationary. hm.

Morning finds my slow and feeling unwell.  I throw myself together and find I’m in better sprits after breakfast at the train station.  My blue morning is gone and the excitement of heading north and snuggling a few of my favorites for the next 5 days is just too much. Je suis content.

Non stop to London and I can’t sleep a wink.  Maybe I’m not tired, maybe I’m not anxious.

watching movies to get tired, adjust my clothing to be cool.  I’m going to be a exhausted mess during my 60 hours in the city. Always the whirlwind.

The guy I bumped into in Hoi an for two hours also turned up on my flight.  We realized it over our quick coffee catchup this week.  his first time to the US.  Kind, sweet, distant and respectful.  Perfect.  The theme of my life continues, serendipity strikes again.

I scan my phone for photos of us that make me happy.  I scan my phone for photos that make me sad.  He is not the problem. I am my own problem.  No one can make me happy but me.  When I hop a plane I am reminded of what I gave up.  When I’m with him I’m aware of how lucky I am.  The things I struggle with are not deal breakers.  The things I struggle with where my problems before now.

I’m anxious for him to crash into my sacred place.  I’m afraid of what truths I will unawarely expose.  This feels so heavy to me, and means so much to me that am able actually share the things that have been my rock with my new rock.

Like when Esther and Amel collided, it could have gone horribly un well.  But ten fold with this.  Paris for a week is a tease.

I left him a trail of notes.  I of course left it to the last second and my delivery could have been sweeter.  It’s the thought that counts, right?

I love him.  I love him I love him I love him.  The things I wrote about him from the beginning are clear. His quiet strength and sweet disposition.  I love his sketches, his writing, the way he cooks.  How he enjoys life.  We sat in a meeting for a children’s homeless shelter together listening eagerly about volunteer opportunities.  Just one of the things that we share passionately, and such a vital one as well.

He wrote a piece that I can’t even finish without sobbing.  He wrote of my journey, but wrote of it in a way so truthful to the ups and downs of my heart.  His astute attention humbles me. His elequency humbles me.  His adoration humbles me.

It’s fair to say I struggle with whether or not I am matching him in thoughts and affection.   I feel as though I am so lost in my own struggle of self that I forget to give him what he deserves.

Enter mindfulness in process…

i asked him at the beginning “how can you be so sure?”.  I want to ask him that every day.  Especially the days that I’m blue, or grumpy or selfish.

Thank goodness for word therapy.

.. and Paris therapy. A bientôt.

It was cold out and started to rain.  He made the 4 flights of stairs back up to collect our hats.   We walk slow because it’s wet and the steepness of the hill could be a tricky combo.   The sign on the door promised live music.   We snuggled into the corner booth with all the pillows and opted for the wine flight.  We talked and laughed and talked and laughed.  The wine kept up with us.  The music did not.

Favorite things party –

New Year’s day hike, 2016 reflections and so much to be grateful for. Goat hill swing. Twin Peaks picnic. Frozen to the bones. Hot toddy’s and irish coffees. Time to go home.

I love this man and his heart.  His face and kisses and hands.

I feel stronger, capable and unstoppable with him.

and now, which direction do I go?

30 day notice and the shift of new is upon me.  New home, new career, new love.   I’ve ignored my fears and jumped in.

Because that is what I’ve always done.

Word of the year is “New”.  Last year’s was transition.  The year before, balance.  and before that, Intention.

Time to seek new balance.  The next few months will possibly be uncomfortable during that shift.   I shall try to maintain my sanity.  I can do this.