where does it come from?
Is it perceived? created? Tangible?
how does one value self?
I set the tone. I choose the contributors. Am I choosing wisely?
It is better than it was. Or is it? I think so. Instead of deep wounds now it is small bruises. They still damage but disappear in a week. But did I really feel my lacerations? I was so numb at the time.
Now I’m too aware. and too miserable in my own current element. All I’m looking for is a distraction. But what I should be is focusing on the future. I want someone to save me from it all. But only I can do that for myself. Only me.
Conversations from others show me I’m not drowning. Although it may feel like it. That I’m fine. That I’m on course. That I just need some help and that I will make it through.
I will make it through. It is not all for not. It is not a loss. It is a change. Most days I feel lost. Without direction. I move my feet forward and I’m not sure which way they lead each other. But you are moving Sarah. You have not rolled over and declared yourself dead. You will make it through.
I miss love. I miss relationship. I love people. I love to celebrate people. I love getting to know people on an intimate level. “What do you love?, what do you want out of life? what do you seek to conquer every day?” I want to cheer you on dear dreamer. For I too dream these dreams. I don’t want to do it alone. When you are alone it feels like it’s you against the world. Where is my companion? Where is my other half? Where is my dreamer cheering me on when I can’t go any further.
I feel that I have created so much. I look at my body of work and I am half satisfied and half horrified. ha. That I have emptied out of me every once of inspiration that my heart had. I’m looking for what is next. I want a challenge. I want the next adventure. Maybe that is why I want to go to school. A new challenge. A new way to see the world. A new way to value myself.
