Don’t be disingenuous.
I’ve had my fill of NYC. Or boys. Or just boys in NYC.
Note to self: don’t do long distance. Just don’t.
I don’t see myself in NYC. At least in the current state that I am now. I don’t want to be an independent creative in that city. But we shall see. I’m young still, right? :-/
I did have a great last day though. Guggenheim and the James Tarrell exhibit. Walking around the Upper East Side. Lunching solo at Le pain Quotidian and charging my phone at the apple store at 5th ave and park. I took the 4 train to Brooklyn bridge and walked across. I love that bridge. I made my way home, packed and then headed out for dinner in Windsor Terrace. My usual café Brooklyn Commune was closed so I kept walking and found a quaint french bistro. Perfect. I sat at the bar and ordered pizza and two glasses of wine. I met the sweetest old Australian lady. She met the love of her life at 37 years old after being divorced and has now been married for 30 years. She gives me hope.
I went out with Classy K for a final hurrah and .. what a great way to end NYC. We were supposed to go to Apetheke.. As fate would have it we couldn’t get in. On my way there I was doubting the brilliance of that idea and the emotions of being there again. It was just not meant to be. It’s ok for that memory to remain. It’s a great memory. We had a drink downstairs and then hit up a place that K knew the owner. It was lively and apparently Tiesto was in the room and we didn’t know it. I actually yelled at a guy and told him “no” like he was a dog. He was really possessive and grabby and I had had it. I’ve never been offered so many “lines”.. wait.. I’ve never been offered a line ever until now. Ick. Another reason I don’t want to be here.
I don’t think I’ve ever left NYC not hung over or drunk. I got back to the apartment at 3am and my car service pulled up. I was drunk and grabbing my stuff and running out the door. I got to the airport and through security and passed out at my gate until boarding. I laugh now, but how long can I keep this up? It’s exhausting. Ok, and really amusing.
I realized that it’s not the attitude of carelessness that has possessed me… It’s that I’ve lost attachment or motivation to anything of substance because I see how things don’t last. Things that are good, lovely and beautiful, things that take time, effort and investment get trampled on or thrown away or broken and generally go unappreciated. My heart has been broken by people places and things. I’m getting tired of it. Why put forth effort anymore? My own values, valuables, things I love, people I love have been reduced as well. It’s exhausting to constantly pouring out of oneself without reciprocation. This applies in all areas of who I am. Personally, mentally, artistically. You really have to take care of yourself first. Live your life with a heart wide open, loving yourself first because it gives you the ability to love free of expectations and selflessly. But do you rob yourself of the opportunity to be surprised, blessed or loved by doing so? I wonder where the balance is…
This with Frankie should have ended in May. After his visit. I knew then that it wouldn’t last. I knew then that he wasn’t for me. Long term anyway. But what am I saying? I’m not looking to get married right now… I was just having fun! but I mourn it like we could have had some great future together. But fun it was. And fun it wasn’t.
What an amazing experience. What an incredible story.
I am grateful.
I love my life.
Don’t be disingenuous. It is a disservice to yourself and those around you.
