I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place in my life where I haven’t had to fight for what I want, where I have been content with who I am, or what direction I am going. and I don’t think that is a bad thing.
But I just want to be satisfied.
Maybe not for myself, but for everyone else so that I can just be at peace and not be the restless emotional beast that I am.
Who am I: passionate, sweet, arrogant, crazy, honest.
I have a desire for more. More life, more love, more beauty. What is that, what can it be, what haven’t I seen yet. I’m following this obscure notion blindly pushed forward by some force that I cannot define. What is wrong, what is right. I don’t know anymore. I just know it all contributes.
I download photos and go through them sometimes horrified, other times completely blown away. My heart both broken and elated. I want to cry out that I have “done it! I have won!” and yet it doesn’t matter. I must create again tomorrow and throw more images n the piles to be lost in over stimulation.
Terrified.
My visa application is in and I’m unable to see past March of next year until I know what the verdict is. I have enough money to last me…. well I guess we shall see. Maybe just to the end of the year. For every victory there is a “failure”. For every step forward I trip and fall. I take a step forward and I ask myself “where are you going?”. Is everyone as tortured as I? Perhaps I just torture myself. The only way to be satisfied is to settle for a simple life. There is so much beauty in simplicity.
I can’t see myself regretting this phase of life later in future when I look back. Perhaps it’s my “saturn returns cycle” or “God’s burning away of what doesn’t belong”. Either way, every day I shed more stuff, let go of the life I once had, face a new fear, accept a new challenge. I know at the end of the day I am weary. Who isn’t? Sometimes the only thing that get’s me out of bed is a deadline or meeting. I feel like I am ten steps behind in everything and always running to catch up. I want to wear my confidence and smile on my sleeve. I want to embrace the day with arms wide open and prepared for what is next. I need to have a plan instead of just reacting to what is happening around me.
So make a plan.
I don’t want to shoot weddings anymore. Or I just need to figure out a way to do it that I am not emotionally impacted at the end of the shoot, day or post editing. I hate feeling like I’m missing that piece to my life and that I’m incapable of being happy until I’ve found him. UGH. I want to tear it out of my skin. I do not need a guy to by stoked on my life. I FUCKING LOVE IT THANKS SO MUCH.
::sigh:: ::cheap therapy::
Grateful.
For girl friends. For gifts of words from friends. Likes on facebook. Likes on instagram. Ha.. My mom bringing me coffee in bed. My baby sister asking my random hilarious questions. For another day to breathe, to smile and dream. The ability to chase those things. The ability to ask how and why. Grateful.
