It feels like my nerves are crumbling. I’m incapable of confident thought. I think everyone hates me or puts up with me. These things are not me.
Year end wedding season, culmination of 9 months of planning for the india project, next level of relationship, I feel like I am becoming unglued.
Me: I don’t smoke pot, but I would right now.
Him: Do you want me to get you some?
Me: What?! You don’t smoke! ..do you?
Him: No, but I would get you some if you want it.
Me: have you ever bought any?
Him: no
Me: Have you ever smoked?:
Him: no
Me: lmao <3
= = = = =
Struggling with what is next and finding the time and money to pursue it. At the end of every wedding year I want to shoot myself in the face. I can’t do this anymore. My max is 20 weddings a year, with a 4k minimum average to survive this lifestyle I have created for myself. I want something new, but I don’t know how to move forward.
I feel like I have let people slip through my fingers, friendships that mean the world to me I have not had time to give them the attention it needs to keep going. January. Chris and I keep joking about this magical month that I will have balance return to my life, in January. January I will be able to pick up my banjo again, visit friends I have not seen in 9 months, start working out again, and return to my 4 hour work weeks (haha).
Anxiety I hate you so. Leave me and my self alone. I do not want you here anymore. Everything will work out in the end. I will be ok. I will be more than ok.
