I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place in my life where I haven’t had to fight for what I want, where I have been content with who I am, or what direction I am going.  and I don’t think that is a bad thing.

But I just want to be satisfied.

Maybe not for myself, but for everyone else so that I can just be at peace and not be the restless emotional beast that I am.

Who am I: passionate, sweet, arrogant, crazy, honest.

I have a desire for more.  More life, more love, more beauty.  What is that, what can it be, what haven’t I seen yet.  I’m following this obscure notion blindly pushed forward by some force that I cannot define.  What is wrong, what is right.  I don’t know anymore.  I just know it all contributes.

I download photos and go through them sometimes horrified, other times completely blown away. My heart both broken and elated.  I want to cry out that I have “done it! I have won!” and yet it doesn’t matter.  I must create again tomorrow and throw more images n the piles to be lost in over stimulation.

Terrified.

My visa application is in and I’m unable to see past March of next year until I know what the verdict is.  I have enough money to last me….  well I guess we shall see. Maybe just to the end of the year.  For every victory there is a “failure”. For every step forward I trip and fall.  I take a step forward and I ask myself “where are you going?”.  Is everyone as tortured as I?  Perhaps I just torture myself.  The only way to be satisfied is to settle for a simple life.  There is so much beauty in simplicity.

I can’t see myself regretting this phase of life later in future when I look back.  Perhaps it’s my “saturn returns cycle” or “God’s burning away of what doesn’t belong”.  Either way, every day I shed more stuff, let go of the life I once had, face a new fear, accept a new challenge.   I know at the end of the day I am weary. Who isn’t?  Sometimes the only thing that get’s me out of bed is a deadline or meeting.  I feel like I am ten steps behind in everything and always running to catch up.  I want to wear my confidence and smile on my sleeve.  I want to embrace the day with arms wide open and prepared for what is next.  I need to have a plan instead of just reacting to what is happening around me.

So make a plan.

I don’t want to shoot weddings anymore.  Or I just need to figure out a way to do it that I am not emotionally impacted at the end of the shoot, day or post editing.  I hate feeling like I’m missing that piece to my life and that I’m incapable of being happy until I’ve found him. UGH.  I want to tear it out of my skin.  I do not need a guy to by stoked on my life.  I FUCKING LOVE IT THANKS SO MUCH.

::sigh:: ::cheap therapy::

Grateful.

For girl friends.  For gifts of words from friends. Likes on facebook.  Likes on instagram.  Ha..  My mom bringing me coffee in bed.  My baby sister asking my random hilarious questions.  For another day to breathe, to smile and dream.  The ability to chase those things. The ability to ask how and why.  Grateful.

Still wearing last nights makeup.

I’m embracing everything that is hipster and nourishing myself from last nights beers.  Beer hangovers are so much better.

After working almost 30 days straight I took the day off yesterday.  I rode my bike with a group of midtowners to a new brewery in West Sac.

New friends.  I love new friends.

I love hearing peoples stories.  Their journeys. Their struggles.  It is so human and refreshing.  Real.

It is interesting to see how people perceive me.

I’m gonna be just fine.

words recently collected:

“take a lover who looks at you like you are magic” Frida Kahlo

Peace is always beautiful. – Walt Whitman

“If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you have had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.” Paulo Coelho

“It is in all of us to defy expectations, to go into the world and to be brave,  and to want to need to hunger for adventures, to embrace change and risk so that we may breathe and know what it is to be free.”

“the secret to attraction is to love yourself. attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. they are open to gestures of love. they think about love, and express their love in every action. they know that love is not a mrere sentiment. but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe. – deepak chopra

Whatever’s good for your soul..  do that.

“oh god it’s wonderful

to get out of bed

and drink too much coffee

and smoke too many cigarettes

and love you so much

1961”

“Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, and the amazement of the gods”. Plato

Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties. – Erich Fromm

Today I dreamed of monkeys.   I don’t know why.

I pushed through.  I delivered a product of 36 hours preparation. It is quit miraculous what I was able to prepare in that amount of time.   I honestly don’t think I will get it this time.  I think I need to redo the application. We shall see.  I am hopeful.

I did not anticipate the amount of work I would be doing this month.  I have been back in Sacramento for a month now and I think i’ve had one day off.  Work hard play hard. 

It is the nature of the beast.

Tomorrow I have another session.  One that will push me outside my comfort zone. I cannot wait.  Followed by a wedding on Friday.  Can it be.. I actually have a weekend free! Which I will spend editing. haha…

Hustle and flow —

Not enough time in the day. Ever.

My consulate appointment is in two days.  So much to do. Finally “caught up” on editing and I can now tackle my personal stuff.

Bribing, begging and smiles.  Manipulation at it’s best. “Im a hustlah baby!” and I get what I want.

Discouragement is high.  Reading reports on the internet and it seems that I will need nothing short of a miracle to get this.

:(

What was I thinking?   In the midst of my insane schedule I almost dropped everything to fly to NYC for a guy that cant make up his mind.

I need to clone five of me.

A year ago today I filed for divorce.  I was looking at my instagram today and all my posts were drink related from those days.  What a mess I was. I shake my head in disbelief but its only because I am not in that place or that person in pain anymore.  GLOREH.

Ticket booked for Paris today and a hopper flight to Seville. Things are in motion!! agghh!

Why do I not feel that I deserve this life?  How much of it is my decision and how much of it is chance and or even ordained?  I’m so terrified to make a decision that I will regret and loathe the rest of my life.

If I don’t follow through on this crazy venture it will be the case.

Loaves and fishes, loaves and fishes.  Grateful beyond words.  I need reminders of things bigger than myself.  I find that in nature. In the trees, sunshine, the air and waves of the ocean.

I started carrying my camera around with me all the time wherever I go.  I need to allow myself to enjoy capturing things as I see them. And I need to be prepared and act like the photographer that I am.

I’m sitting here overwhelmed with the insane amount of work and personal preparations that need to be done. Always down to the wire for me.  I should be at my office editing but I don’t like being there so late. I don’t feel safe and it’s creepy.  I’m forcing myself to write. But I’m tired. I just want to sleep.

Motivated to kill it tomorrow.

Vamos!

I would be able to shoot imagery that I love, edit without it taking forever, and share it while it is relevant.  Have time to discover new things, places and people.  Have time for coffee with myself. Have time for coffee with someone.  Have a cozy home that is affordable, cute, inspiring and full of light. Have a team of amazing people that can help me create. Be able to learn studio lighting/photography.  Live in Paris.

…in a perfect world these things would not just serve the purpose of making my soul happy, but would also inspire, encourage, embolden those around me as well.

I don’t want to just be a consumer. I want to be a contributor.

Words get you started.  But actions carry you through.  They are the legacy.

So I been seeing enough of my friends lately to know that there are people reading my blog on the regular.

Let me take this opportunity to apologize for my crazy, emotional vent based ramblings that include bad grammar and spelling.

That said, you are welcome to keep reading. As long as you realize that the above will probably never change. HA.

Sometimes I write here just to clear my head.  Other times it is so I don’t forget the details of a day or phase of my life. Then there are times I need to work through a thought, or just a place to throw words and read them later.

In case you didn’t realize, my favorite time to write is drunk or hungover.   And I also write cryptically on purpose to protect people places or things. haha..  That said..  my best stories aren’t on here.  Not at all.  Maybe parts, or mentions or names or locations. But no, the best stories of my life are in still in my head and heart and are best told in person. Over a cup of coffee or glass of wine.

So there.  ;)

It’s 85 degrees out and the first Sunday in October.  I successfully transitioned back to my parents house.  I love/hate being here.   Friday was spent cleaning, purging and organizing my things, hanging out with my sisters and dinner with the family.  These times are both horrifying and hug my heart. :sigh:

EARLY early wedding and finished by 5pm. It was nice to be done and home by 7pm but I was so tired I went straight to bed anyway. haha..

I have began to purge the rest of my things.. letting go of things that cannot be taken in a suitcase for the next 6-9 months of life.  There is much to get rid of.  Bitter sweet feelings.  But I’ve been traveling so much now for the last two years, that it is easier to let go of whatever you cannot carry.

Visited with Janessa and had a sweet, chill Sunday afternoon. Talked about the future.

I miss him so much.  I’m still mad. Still hurt and still love him. Argh.

I am stubborn and proud.  Good and bad.

Created an online dating profile for myself with Janessa’s help.  I really hate this stuff and it only made me miss FF more.

I am so grateful for the story we shared, the experience of knowing him and the things I’ve learned about myself.

Much to tackle this week. Two weddings to completely edit, beginning to finish, album designs and 5 shoots.

WOO.

The month is set. 11 shoots. 7 weddings. Driving all over California. 6 weeks until Paris.

Back to back to back meetings today. Rode my bike 11.4 total miles. Helped jenny move into her second story apartment. Ran with the run club 3 miles.

So tired.