8 months ago I was restless beast who didn’t want to face the 8 months of limbo. I drowned my sorrows in whiskey/bars/stupidboys/”networking”.

But then I came up for air. or was it just spring?  I feel like I wasted the last 8 months. But really, I have so much to show for the time that has passed. Frankie stabilized me. Brought me back to earth. Gave my heart peace.  What is it about me that feels so lost without that validation? But it wasn’t just validoation. It’s who he is and has continued to be. Different. Sweet.

Allows me to be me. Sweet.  He mirrors my drive for life. my joie de vivre.  It’s so refreshing to see in a guy.  and that’s why I am here. Still talking about him 4 months later.  crazy.

Someone said it tonight :we can: “believe that there is love, that people are still taking chances…” Love is the ultimate dream/challenge/adventure. For as many times a I’ve wanted to end this with Frankie.. there is that part of me that says “but what if Sarah”.. You don’t know you’re story. Just live life.. it will work itself out on its own.  He even said it…  the  best plan we can have is to just be on the path we are on.

things that make me smile :

talking about me to his mom

comforting my stress regarding my show

that he misses his girl

pictures with his family

me encanta como me siento a to lado

So much of Paris is on my mind now. Which is good. Trying to make the most of it this time. Do my research. Enjoy myself. Go places I havent been. Soak up the memories of old places as well.  I can’t wait. Home home home.

Truth and hope. And more of it. Love and more love. and more love.

Who knew.

8 years ago.. (or more) that when I first walked through the doors to this cafe that i would one day be hanging photos from one of the biggest adventures of my lifetime.

“I hope you find true meaning, contentment, and passion in your life. I hope you navigate the difficult times and come out with greater strength and resolve. I hope you find whatever balance you seek with your eyes wide open. And I hope that you—yes, you—have the ambition to lean in to your career and run the world. Because the world needs you to change it. Women all around the world are counting on you.
So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.”
Sandberg, Sheryl.

Considering the circumstances it is amazing. Gosh dangit.

I feel hugged by those around me.  Nothing more than absolute love and support from my friends.  I am so grateful for these people.

I feel like I could laugh and cry.  My first solo show. My first show. and nothing less than work that I am so proud of.  It feels so great.

16 days until paris.

Panic of being ill prepared. But what is there to prep this time? Already know when where how what when.  Just arrive.

5 weddings to edit, 3 more to shoot. Art show, moving offices. So much to do.

You got this.

Arrived exhausted and cramped from the bus ride.  The bus stop was at Times Square. Even at 4am it was hot, humid and smelly.  It didn’t matter though. It’s still new york and the size and immensity of the city still takes me aback every time.  We crashed into bed right away. He apologized for his messy place..  all 4 of his work out equipment that was on the floor. Whatever.  We slept in, had some juice.. took showers and listened to music.  Out the door we went to the subway and took the 4 line downtown to Beaker Street stop.  This was Soho.. I’ve been here many a time before.  We walked the side streets to Prince street and he did some serious shopping. Hand in hand.. we walked all over the area.  We popped into Warby Parker and argued about glass frames and sunglasses. I really wanted the red ones.. but I hadn’t tried them until after he had purchased them for himself.  And we can’t have the same glasses.. that would be .. sillly. ;)  So I left empty handed.   We made our way over to Hecho in Dumbo for Mechalado Clamato Rojo, queso champanones and carnitas. AMAZING. We sat at the bar per usual and proceeded to eat our food and enjoy the company of each other.  After that it was more shopping.. shoes this time and we headed to Aldo. We both did damage there. Three for me two for him.  We walked through a super quaint area and stopped for espresso and coco over ice at a cafe. Perfection. At that time the sun was setting and most of the shops were closed because it was Sunday.  We headed back to the house and changed into workout clothes. I hopped on his bike and we did 8 miles through Central park.  It was delightful. We stopped at the lake and listened to the crickets frogs and the quiet of the city on a late Sunday night. The lights of the buildings reflected across the water.  Perfect.  Back at the house it was stretching/yoga foam roller and tea.  I was sitting on the yoga mat, music was playing and he came and sat across from me.  We sat there looking at each other for a few minutes.  Not saying anything.. not needing to. and yet in that silence so much was said.

Truth is, he already has.

Blown away.

The tears don’t stop today.
Said good bye. He left and then came back for one more kiss.

I left him a note. What to say that hasn’t already been said?
“You have been my favorite story so far”

A final photo. So different from a year ago. So much promise.

I choose Paris. It’s what I want. I have to choose me. If I choose him then I say good bye to me. And what am I without that? Empty. Regretful. Bitter?

It was a perfect day.

Dallas to DC

Oh hormones. I loathe thee.

I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t like the dashing of expectations.  Will it always be like this no matter who I date?  Irritated.  Trying to enjoy it for what it is…  but being honest with myself on what it isn’t.  It’s dating.  Not a relationship. Not a marriage.  Do I know how to do anything else?  Take it easy, take it slow. Be in the moment every tells me. I am, I do.. but where do those lead?  I wish I hadn’t drank so much. Period.  Every time was loaded with alcohol. Time to try something different.

Ask questions – everyone likes to be heard/listened to.  Why are you so afraid to listen to people?  You want to tell stories, but you are afraid to let people in.  You get so awkward at this point.  Just be. Just be Just be.

Oh 29 – you have been my favorite number so far.

Surrounded by those you love – with hope in the horizon

Birthing of someone new, working through pain and following a new path

Making mistakes and learning from them

Divorce – a player on the adventure of this year

Paris, Morocco and Amsterdam – discovering new: self, people, places.. home.  Making memories that will last a lifetime, and perhaps more.  Seeing that no matter the culture,  religion or country how alike we really are.

Hawaii, Vegas and New York.  And with the end of winter, comes spring! New life after the death. Warmth of spring chases away the winter chill.

New love, new excitement. New kisses. Besos.  Makes me smile.  So soooo wonderful to feel that again.  To know that it can be a part of my future.  That I’m not bitter, that I’m on the mend.   I will be whole again someday.

Vanity Fair

NYC engagement sessions

Hamptons

Spanish perfume

San Francisco Adventures

Paris bookings

NYC bookings

First gallery show

Hiking Yosemite

Gypsy Road trips with my girlfriends

Loving my friends

Loving new friends

Sacramento Adventures

Loving my family

Gypsy living and purging of what is left.  Embracing the unknown and terrifying future.  Jumping off that cliff into the waves 50 feet below.  What a thrill, cold, shaky, exhilarating. I have to kick to stay afloat. Have to swim to get anywhere.  But you will make it.

New branding, new website

See what I mean? Too much good!  Who am I to deserve such things? What a charmed life I have!!  Grateful, thankful, aware.  I should perhaps be more humbled. Maybe I am. Just enough. It’s not that I am showcasing my life as look at me!   But out of disbelief..  “this is my life?!?!?!”

Favorite adventures/ stories of my life:

Memories as a child – being mature beyond my years. Cooking cleaning, taking care of children, create meal plans, grocery shopping.

“Rebellious teenager” – cutting my skirts into mini’s

Being an unofficial boyscout

Competitive with my brother –  graduating same year

Being a tomboy growing up

Raising 5 kids

Spending a summer in Sweden

Spending a winter in paris

Partying like a rockstar. Literally.

Student body president – aka tfl

Working in the capitol at 20

The Frenchman

The Spaniard

The Australian

Gypsy lifestyle

My photography career

Being married

Being arrested

Political years – running campaigns, working for non profits, running non profits as a teenager

Loving on kids in Mexico

Traveling the US as a kid with my grandparents in a trailer

Camping with my family across the US

Playing basket ball

Lobbying in the capitol

Speaking in front of hundreds of people for a cause

Creating from my soul.  Emptying it out until there was nothing left.

……Still waiting for it to refill.

You have hugged my soul sweet man.  In ways you may never know.  For just being you.  Even if I was to never see you again, I can only smile at the path that we shared together for this time.. even though that path was 3000 miles and 3 hour time difference apart.  You have opened my eyes, broadened my world and given me some of the sweetest besos a girl could ask for.  They are memories I will cherish my whole life. Thank you.

Your calm demeanor, kindness and the way that you love and take care of those around you. Your laugh, your smile, your siliness.  Your motivation, discipline and energy are contagious and inspiring and I love how you embrace life.  When I’m with you I am fearless. ( I swam in the ocean no less!)  This is how I see you.  I want to know more. But I can also let you go and send you on your way.  As much as I want it, I don’t think you are for me.  The language barrier, my gypsiness, my incompleteness….  Perhaps it is just not meant to be.   BUT ..   I guess we shall see……..

Double wedding weekend over.  I’m tired, achy and ready for sleep.   I’m downloading and backing up.  Emails will have to wait until tomorrow.

I now have contracts for New York and Paris.  I spent the morning prepping gear, eating breakfast and holding back happy tears of disbelief.  It’s a dream come true.  I can’t believe it.  I will now not be able to sleep until those contracts are fulfilled. Ayiyi.

I have to edit like a mofo and pack clothes and gear tomorrow.  I leave for DC for 5 days and then 2 days in nyc with the spaniard.  My show is 2 weeks away and I have NOTHING READY. Fuck.

delicate by damien rice and mumford have my heart tonight.

kisses.

Another month has flown by.  Where does the time go?

Today was summer. Riding my bike to coffee date with midtown friends. Riding bike to printers/cafe/printers/postoffice.  Editing.  Texts from old friends and impromptu kayaking at lake natomas. Warm breezes. Epic clouds. A great arm workout.

Laughter between old friends.

I love summer.

Sushi, beers and hot tubs until late in the night. Again warm/cool breeze and summer night sky.

I love summer.

Things I love for 2013:

whiskey, green/blue/black, fitness, little black dresses, purging, being a dreaming gypsy, besos.

Sarah Dawson – said with a Spanish accent. Swoon.

One moment.. in a dream. Sweet, amazing delightful man. Those eyes, that smile. Makes my heart melt and skip a beat. The way he cares for me. Natural.. not trying. Just is. I more than like him. I sounded like a broken record, “me encanta”.. But I caught myself almost saying, “I love you”.. and in this fresh delightful newness of puppy love.. I do. .::pum pum pum::. No words. … and I find that I suddenly cannot breathe at all. And as if it was a snake, I shy away from it. No.. no no. So much pain still there.
Oh but love… both terrifying and exhilarating. Oh so terrifying. I don’t trust it. Not one bit. But I want to I really really want to trust it. The way he laughs.. the way he lives, the way he makes me smile.
The next moment, oh the insecurities. Just give him time. He’s gonna realize you are a fake. But I am just me. Not fake.. just a bumbling, broken, emotional thing. But once he realizes it. Is he gonna want to stick around?
I want to be an artisan. I want to care about the details. I want to work so fucking hard and see the results of my labor. I don’t want distractions. And he is SUCH a distraction. But a welcome one. He soothes my heart. Makes me smile. Makes me fucking smile.
What do you want Sarah? Paris/NYC/PARIS/NYC. Am I saying no or am I just afraid to let him in? I don’t want to say yes to this and it not work out and then… regret not chasing what my heart originally wanted. But I made these plans before all this.. and… when I was in a place that felt so so right. Was I motivated by the wrong things? What is the right kind of motivation? Does such a thing exist? But if I hadn’t decided to chase after Paris when I returned… I wouldn’t have met him either. It’s all connected. The reason I was in NYC at that time was to chase this path… oh the crazy life I live.
So many past painful words echo in my mind.. are these things legit or am I letting those things get to me? Poor guy.. He is having to undo all the damage that was done. Will he make it through? Will i? I feel like a big ball of nerves most of the time. It’s hard to open up and let someone in. I was shattered to pieces. I’m still putting myself back together. I’m not whole. I’m not good enough for this sweet man.
::I’m too aware. I’m too much in my own mind all the time. I just need to be. I just need to breathe.::
I’m on his mind all the time. He brought me back perfume from Spain. He wants to see me again. I gave him my scarf at the airport. He sprayed it with my perfume so he can smell it and think of me. Sweet good bye kisses and laughs. I’ll see him again in two weeks. After that, I have no idea.

I’m hungry for life. I’m hungry for love. I’m hungry to love.
salute

I spent the fourth drinking beer and taking shots like there is no tomorrow. I swam in the ocean, laid on the beach watching fireworks over Hamptons bay and as I listened to 22 spaniards joke and laugh this sweet man kissed my shoulder and said he would never forget this day.