Tonight I am choosing comfort in solitude over complicating my life more. haha.. Peace and quiet in my temporary home. Clean, with healthy food and my only transportation is my bike. I do miss tonight’s shenanigans with open mic.. but I brought my own instrument to my new home away from home. Time to get cozy.
Babysat Gina’s kids while she went to lunch. Returned emails via my phone and caught up on text messages.
Was blown away by a friends sweet words tonight. It is these things that keep me going when all I feel is doubt…

“Just wanted to stop by and share a few words. It has been three years since I started my journey with the military. In that time much has changed, and I have enjoyed seeing the growth you’ve undergone during that time. I always said that you would be renowned in the photographic community and it is awesome to see you getting the press that you’ve deserved. I rarely spend much time on facebook, but my eye is always caught by images that make me stop and think. One as a photographer – how did they get that shot? How did they light that shot? Two as an individual who strives towards and appreciates constant growth. I will say that many of the images I stop to take a look at are yours…. Thanks for doing what you do, everyone is born to be great at something, yours is photography and I’m glad you share your gift with the world. Keep on sharing your gift with bigger and bigger audiences! Keep up the awesome work, I’ve enjoyed seeing your journey!”

Quit.
photography. no.. just the business of it. it’s not what it is.. its everyone else that is involved.

I feel like I’m drowning. For every one step forward, there are 4 steps backwards. I am slowly going insane.

Rude people. I’m so tired of it. They make me want to scream.
I refuse to quit. I want this. I want this life.

I. will. not. quit.

They will not win.

I need to work harder.

Get back to intricate details of things. Dig deep, be in the moment. find where I am weak and make it stronger. Be in the moment of dislike. It all contributes.
Fuck.

Vertigo.

Spinning. No direction. No control. Reality.
Waiting for the room, direction, path to come into focus.

Love, smile, like, smiles, smitten, besos. Hope of a future. Whose future. A week? Two weeks. A month. 4 months. Silly sarah. Not misconstrued. Maybe lost in the moment, maybe lost in a future. A possibility, a hope. Nothing wrong with that. Hope gives us wings, gives a smile, a breath of fresh air. Nothing. wrong. with. that.

You suck.

Flat tire. New tires. Deadlines. Rushed editing. Happy meetings and then finding out they booked someone else. Awkward meetings. Feeling funky still from Vertigo. Self conscience skype date. Why the fuck am I so needy right now?!?!?!

I should be working still, but fuck you Monday. I’m having my hot toddy, brisket tacos and diving into this open mic night.

Cheers.

This week has been mentally and physically exhausting.

I need to get back on my exercise regimen as well as my eating routine. I miss them both.
I didn’t sleep at all last Tuesday night after text messages from the Spaniard. I don’t know if that was the cause, but I feel like it was related. Vertigo kept me bed ridden all day Friday and I was panicking that I wouldn’t be able to shoot Saturdays wedding. I was able to see the doctor, take meds and sleep. I think it helped. I was still dizzy like no ones’ business but I could at least walk without getting the cold chills from the nausea.
I felt like a bad ass pushing through those things for my clients. and I rocked the wedding. Go me.
Huzzah.

The Spaniard rented a house in the hamptons for the summer. He asked when I could make it out. I told him… maybe once. I sent him my schedule. impossible. What are we doing? Is this a waste of time? We have completely opposite schedules. On opposite sides of the country. Crazier things have happened in the world. I guess only time will tell. I’m becoming more skeptical. of him, of this, of men, of my sanity. blah. Will I ever be able to date a normal person and have a real life… ever? Do I want a real life? Insert rabbit hole.

Emotional week. exhausting week. Physically stressed week.
And a new one begins again. Gloreh. Reprieve. a new day.. New faces. New meetings.
Bring life and love and kindness to those I meet. Make them feel validated and valued. This is my desire in how I live my life. Everyone matters. If not to me, to someone. Treat them as such. Too often I get wrapped up in my little whirl wind. Slow down Sarah. Breath.
Breath.
Breath.

Good night Sunday.
I am ready for you Monday.

:kiss:

Quote of the day: “Unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” – Dreams from an Insomniac

A-fucking-men.

Today I went to a food truck and boutique market for Sacramento. It was a great turn out of midtowners. Everyone was there. A lot of people that I enjoy seeing on a regular basis around town. Except this time it was out for a cause instead of at the coffee shop/restaurant/bar that I usually see them at. And this time, they had their girlfriend, wife and mother with them. And this time they completely ignored me blew me off or was just rude.

All of a sudden things are crystal clear. I have been my normal, happy friendly self. The one that is free to be and not afraid. I thought I had made friends. Turns out they weren’t looking for a friend. I’m so bummed, hurt and disgusted. Is it impossible to make a friend? Or are all men just looking for fuck buddies? I want to believe they are capable of more. I’m not really convinced of such.
Makes me want to email the spaniard and say don’t bother. Or atleast tell him that he that is all he is looking for then I’ve already got plenty of options to choose from, I dont need another. … but if he just wanted sex he wouldn’t have had to fly 3000 miles for it. or spend the $$. or take the time off of work etc., .. right?

Oh naive silly Sarah. Will you ever learn?

Seriously.

I am trying to not freak out.

Trying to trust.

Believe the words I hear. Praying that they are honest and sincere.

It’s easy to believe and think that they are just lines. I’ve heard it all before.

I want to believe that he is different. It feels different.

I believe him. all nine toes are in. It’s that one percent that has to say.. “yes, but…. You’ve been down this road before”.

Honesty. It’s a gorgeous beautiful thing.

Dreaming. This is me.

Free. Free to love again. Free to try it on for size. Free to open myself up to it. I will not live out of fear. Or not live because of fear.
No. You will not win.

I will say yes to life. Even though it is terrifying. Even though I can get burned. Even though, I probably will walk away from this with another broken heart. Today it brings me smiles. Lifts me up on wings I feel like I’m walking on air. Even though I want to sabotage it and say.. “I am not all these things that you think I am. I am not fearless and confident. But I choose to be despite the fact that the contrary exists!” Every day I have to tell those things to shut the fuck up. If I dare to dream.. If I dare to say “this is what I want”.. Then things are headed in the right direction.

My heart. It is hugged so fully. Who knew a year ago when I was feeling so empty broken and heavy that 365 days later it would feel so full and light! LIGHT. In a way that makes me want to through my hands in the air and put my face to the sun and say “kiss me and take me away”.

“You have already said it: you are just you, and that is exactly what I saw the first day, and what I’m seeing today. A silly girl that just wants to be her, with big dreams and willing to fight for them, a silly girl with a lovely face, lovely smile, with an open mind, and big eyes, ready to see what world can bring you. And I love that. I love to see a silly girl that is looking for her own dreams. A silly girl that is happy just bein herself. Not anybody else. I saw that. and I love it. I don’t really know you. But you have made me smile more than I could even imagine a few weeks ago.” “I dont even know or understand what is going on, what I want and what is going to be and mean… I wish you were here… Thank you Sarah, for being just YOU.”

I take it for what it is. I’m grateful.
Besos.

Sold more of my things. Realizing what I actually value and hold dear. People. Places seen tasted and explored. Memories. Things that represent memories. and clothes.. ;)

Can’t remove the stupid grin on my face via the spaniard. So grateful for it. Whatever “it” is.

Skyping. Texts. Old photos. Current photos. iphone videos. Joy.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

He. bought. a. ticket.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(AH)

:)