Why is it I have the most anxiety traveling to NYC. My first trip there I almost had a episode of sorts. My excitement gets the best of me? My second trip there I was running away from all my pain. What a whirlwind that was. Third times the charm. Bring it on.

At this moment I am surrounded by my laundry and of course I hate everything I own. Nothing to wear in fabulous NYC. I have to pack smart and light and leave space bc I KNOW I will purchase things while I’m there anyway. BLAH
——-

Delightful weekend.

Friday: tutus, girl time, blue wig and mini mouse, sunshine and bicycles through midtown. Makes my heart happy.

Saturday engagement session in Pleasanton. Dinner in the mission with the poet who was visiting from SF. News is he might be moving there. That complicates things but at the same time I am delighted. I enjoy his company. So naive and yet so brilliant.

Sunday – bike ride around downtown, client meeting in my space, food at GB and finished two big projects. Success.

tomorrow – Engagement session in Santa Cruz. Get home just in time to fly to NYC. My goodness my life is not boring.

Cheers darlings.

——

NYC part three – dynamics are all different this time around. I’m not the same person. I’m not in need the same way I was before. I’m hungry for a different experience this time. Something a little more wholesome than before perhaps? …But it will happen as it is meant to be and it will be perfect and will continue to shape me into who I am to become.

where does it come from?

Is it perceived? created? Tangible?

how does one value self?

I set the tone. I choose the contributors. Am I choosing wisely?

It is better than it was. Or is it? I think so. Instead of deep wounds now it is small bruises. They still damage but disappear in a week. But did I really feel my lacerations? I was so numb at the time.

Now I’m too aware. and too miserable in my own current element. All I’m looking for is a distraction. But what I should be is focusing on the future. I want someone to save me from it all. But only I can do that for myself. Only me.

Conversations from others show me I’m not drowning. Although it may feel like it. That I’m fine. That I’m on course. That I just need some help and that I will make it through.
I will make it through. It is not all for not. It is not a loss. It is a change. Most days I feel lost. Without direction. I move my feet forward and I’m not sure which way they lead each other. But you are moving Sarah. You have not rolled over and declared yourself dead. You will make it through.

I miss love. I miss relationship. I love people. I love to celebrate people. I love getting to know people on an intimate level. “What do you love?, what do you want out of life? what do you seek to conquer every day?” I want to cheer you on dear dreamer. For I too dream these dreams. I don’t want to do it alone. When you are alone it feels like it’s you against the world. Where is my companion? Where is my other half? Where is my dreamer cheering me on when I can’t go any further.

I feel that I have created so much. I look at my body of work and I am half satisfied and half horrified. ha. That I have emptied out of me every once of inspiration that my heart had. I’m looking for what is next. I want a challenge. I want the next adventure. Maybe that is why I want to go to school. A new challenge. A new way to see the world. A new way to value myself.

That moment when your newly announced life mantra is challenged.
“Do not make decisions based on fear”.

I’m afraid of heights.

I’m also afraid of swimming in the ocean.

Two things in which I fully embraced today.

I jumped of a 45 foot cliff into the ocean.

The scariest moment was climbing back up out of the water on a ladder that swaaaaaayyyeeedd this way and that. My adrenaline filled muscles and wet hands and feet tried not to think about it as I made me way back up.

But I did it. I knew if I walked away from the moment, if I had chickened out, that I would berate myself and feel like a failure. Like my old self, like someone who gives up when things are difficult or scary. No more “safe” life. More life please.

How many times must I take the plunge? Every day. Every day someone, somewhere, something new. My poor introvert self wants to crawl up inside herself away from all of it. The other part of me loves it, lives it, dances in it. What a crazy dance life is.

Seester time has been great. Good laughs. Light hearted hanging out. Delightful.

No tan yet. Must remedy that soon. Pasty whiteness be gone.

Mon couer.

Forget me now, my dear my darlin.

“I just wanna hold your hand. Hang on every word you say, write a song for us and sing it ’til we’re old and gray.”

You’ll be the only one for me.

One moment: happy free alive, content. The next: bleu, alone, paranoid.(I’m paranoid of being paranoid ha.). Questioning every decision I’ve ever made in my life.

Relationships. Worth fighting for. What is it to be with someone? Sharing those intimacies, every day moments shared, the burden of life; shared. Morning giggles, brunch buddies, mac and cheese dates. Why is it that we both fight for and against them. What part of them does not fit our box? Why do we even have a box?

Life. I want outside the norm. I want to be happy where I’m at. Everyone running around like they have the secret to happiness and success. Reality is: we’re all the same.

Just me: Freedom. To be, to breath, to dream. Am I following through? Or just chasing clouds?

What do you want Sarah? What do you want.

Live in the moment? Or live for the future? How can one do both?

Short term goals, long term goals, dreams, to do lists.

I want to celebrate life. I want to celebrate people.

I want that bliss I feel inside me to be seen through what I create.

How. What. When? Stop getting distracted.

Create. Slow down. Just be. Breath.

Breath.

Breath.

I finally made it to wppi again. It felt like ages since I had been there. It was definitely a lifetime ago. IT was a last minutes decision to go, but I’m so glad I did. It was just the right amount of crazy, fun, inspiration and motivation I needed to get my head in the game for this wedding year. It also reminded me that I can love weddings and that I do.

I met a hot Australian who turned out to be quite the gentleman. It isn’t something I want to repeat, but is a funny memory and story to say the least. I was laughing as I was retelling the story to my mother. I couldn’t believe I was telling her.

Last night was free yoga and lulu, bottomless mimosas brunch with cutie Mrs. a little bit of sunshine, shopping and walking around midtown and ended it with jello shots and dancing with my favorites.

Today was a productive day of work, and a run and capped off with a beer and people watching. Fucking delightful.

5 days until hawaii. 2 weeks until NYC 4 months until Paris.

Glory.

Weekend shenanigans.

Glory.

A date with francophile. Bumping into asshole #2. Getting free booze at the hyatt. Free yoga at lululamon with yogi girlfriend. Hungout with baby stripe and mama, cleaned my office, went for a run. Republican convention and people I could go without seeing. Forever. Drunk Teezy and drunk Sarah trying to put on lipstick. On each other. Teezy and I ended up at the mix, where we drunkinly took over a VIP booth. I felt so uncomfortable, I leaned over and said to Jenny’s boss ..”I feel like such a whore”. (LOL)

Sarah – remember that one time you hung out with The Heavy at some divey venue in Paris.
haha.
yea.

Oh wanderlust. You will be the death of me. or atleast my retirement.

Smiles for the day: francophile friend, sam edelman shoes, happy clients

Musings for the day – ever present restlessness, disconnected productivity, desire for regemine.

Yesterday was a jeans and hoody day, paired with super sparkly gems. I was cozy and sophisticated. I hope.

Went to Low Brau and listened to Musical Charis play as well as Autumn Sky. I love creatives. I love passion. I love when people pursue their dreams and can play the tunes of their soul.
More more. more please.

Maybe it’s my own terror. Maybe I don’t like being alone in my own sinking ship.

Is a steady mundane “guaranteed” life better than this roller coaster ride?

Where are the dreamers? Risk takers?

Am I taking risks? I am still living a safe life in many ways.

Three more to go.

To be an artist.

To get my degree.

To live in Paris.