Today I wore shorts with tights underneath. I almost changed three times before walking out the door. One I have long legs and I feel that this look may be too scandalous for me. Two, these shorts are… short. I feel hoochie ish. But I decide nothing else will do today. Shorts/tights it is.

I created this blog as an outlet in a point in my life that was so dark and sad. I dug deep and found the words that my heart yearned for and so this was born.
I didn’t want it to be a place that I bitched on, and yet I find that most times, that is when we feel the need to express ourselves most in writing. I want it to be a place of peace, inspiration and adventure. But in order for me to live life, I also have to be genuine about our experiences and those aren’t always pleasant. So I resolve for every bitch session I add my own encouragement and or inspiration. Be what it may.

Things that pissed me off this week:
My fucking ex.
Crazy women.
My own bad decision.

Things that made me smile this week:
San Francisco adventures (10x!!)
New friends
Old reconnected friends
Good friends
text messages
glasses

Has my misery finally gotten the best of me? What am I doing?

Heart break and bad decisions. I am swimming in a sea of regret.

posts posts posts.

I try to write here with the idea that no one is reading it. :-/ Oh the layers of self condemnation.

I had a nice weekend.
It was full of drinking, nice conversations with boys, sunny walks with my family, new real life friends made from social media friending. I just might have a decent 8 months here after all.

Hard to believe that I’ve been home for a month now. Hard to believe the last 4 weeks have been the dullest of my life. But it’s all about perspective isnt it?

Great moments, connections, conversations all happen because our willingness to engage in what is going on around us.

Conversations with Treacy. Who we are, where we are going. Dreamers. How we see ourselves, how we loves ourselves. Being light in the darkness.

Perspective. My grumpiness for being here. I am missing out on my own joie de vivre because of my attitude. Given – Sacramento isnt epic like Paris. But what do I love most about life? People. How can I connect wherever I am? Have the same veracity for life that I did while abroad. Be kind, be genuine, be fearless. Say yes, not no.

No settling. It’s not allowed. Grumpiness is a moment, allowed, but a visitor. No welcome mat here.

How often do we settle in life? How people treat us, how we treat ourselves, our aspirations? We are willing to settle with how our family treats us, because they are family, we are willing to feel negative about ourselves or what we deserve because we don’t love ourselves, and we give up on our aspirations because of the combination of the previous things feed into the core of what we believe we are capable of. Capable of better. Being treated better, treating ourselves better, wanting a better life for ourselves.

I live with intent. Try to anyway. Some days I fail. Some days I don’t really have a choice, there are set backs that come from beyond my control. I do not want to settle.

when I hear the word romantic I want to gag.
I think of romance novel covers and dramatic lighting on women who take life to seriously.

I prefer whimsy as a lovey term. It is lighthearted, carefree and yet still holds a level of weight to be desired. I feel that it is real, and yet something that isn’t experienced every day. It’s a novalty. a treasure. a dream. A whimsical love: is unreal, yet tangible. It makes your heart go pitter patter. Makes you think in disbelief “this is real?”.
It is laughter, sunshine, simple.

I realized today that some people think of sparkly rainbows and pink and purple butterflies when I say whimsy.

is my idea of of love this juvenile? Do I yet have more growing up to do in this area?

Alicia keys is stuck in my head.
Maybe its a reminder. Maybe it’s a fleeting moment.

I crave the art poetry food and air of Paris.

I am restless with the feeling that I’ve made the wrong decisions since I’ve been back.

But I tell myself that it’s not possible. It all contributes.

So I try and sit still and fight the restlessness that grumbles inside of me.

focus Sarah, focus.

I am home back in California from my trip abroad. I am ready and eager to create and dig into 2013. I think 2012 takes the cake for best and worst year of my life. BUT If 2013 can bring me anything close the peace and growth and joy I have experienced than I welcome it. Life is meant to be lived. Good bad and ugly, these things make life richer, deeper and give you a new appreciation for things you had never considered before. I’ll take it all and am thankful and I know that I am blessed to be where I am, see what I have seen and have the opportunities that I do.

I have the desire to create. To make beautiful and evocative images. I am in awe that I get to give myself the title photographer and am honored with the opportunity to photograph someone’s wedding day or attempt to capture someones essence in a photograph. Through my travels I got to see how photography effects cultures, changes history, molds perception and exposes truth. Because of these things we both love and hate photos. What we see is sometimes what we want and sometimes what we don’t want. It is both a breath of fresh air and a rude awakening. Shall we not be honest with ourselves and comfortable in our own skin? When do we start to live a life of being genuine to ourselves? This is my goal resolution for 2013. To live a genuine life. To love freely, find joy wherever it may be and be comfortable in my own skin. What is your resolution for 2013?

2012 takes the cake for the most intense year of my life.

I look at my self a year ago and I see someone in pain, broken and hopeless.
I see myself now and I am happy, dreaming and matured.
There is still sadness. There is still loss. But I have tasted what the future can hold. It has left me hungering for more.

I am trying to keep myself motivated and let myself believe that living in Paris is a possibility. It seems completely unattainable. It seems completely selfish. Self fulfilling and therefore not allowed. But I sit here in my parents house, driving through Roseville, walking downtown and I know that this is not enough for me anymore. Not just enough but it only holds sadness, and I am done with being sad.

Yesterday i was gleeful and eager to begin the work waiting. Today I am bleu and wondering if anything is possible.
All I want to do is sleep and stay in bed for the next month.

I wonder what 2013 can offer me. I have seen the highest peeks and the lowest valleys. I wonder what else can possibly come my way.
I guess only time will tell.

To create. Work hard and become an artisan.

be more disciplined and create a daily regimen.

pay off business loan.

read a book a month. read about artists.

be curious about life. ask questions. read up on details.

learn guitar.

learn french.