Home for three days and i’m still on cloud nine. A bit of restlessness that comes with wanting to move forward, but I need to just sit stil for a few days and let things settle first. I just photographed a wedding in LA and i’m headed back to Sacramento to snuggle my dearests and ring in the new year.
What a crazy year this has been. Who would have known 365 days ago how full my heart would be? Many an option before me, and I don’t know where to go. It is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. I’m in love with life and willing to do the hard work to make living possible.

Paris knew. Knew I needed one more night with the people I love. One more memory of sweet genuine laughter, drinks and charming memories. Another example of how allowing the uncomfortable elements be and enjoying the benefits of them.

I go home unsure of what home is. Unsure of what my options are, unsure of where the next 12 months may take me.

What I know is this: I desire to create, I desire to love, I desire to live.

I have a clearer more defined picture of what those things are.

More stripping away of what doesn’t belong. Burning away old shapes that no longer define. I’m afraid of those elements trying to work their way back in. No, no more. No thanks.
I am free.

Riding in a taxi on my way to the airport. Sporting last nights burgandy dress and black boots since everything else was already packed. I’m watching the sunrise and my city is whisking away through the window. I’m seeing parts of Paris I didn’t wander to and I ache to think I missed out on something epic. I know I will be back again. Leaving something undone creates a desire to finish. I will be back again. Each time is better than the last. But no regrets, what is is what is meant to be. I have lived, loved and laughed with no reserve.

J’non pas fine.

I’m my best and self with camera.
Today is a new day and I feel alive after the walking death of yester.

Breakfast, music and then walking for 5 hours exploring the city and its alleys and streets. My last day is tomorrow and i am sad to leave but also glad to see my dear faces again soon.

Such an experience this has been.

Tonight I am dressed to the nines. It’s Christmas eve after all and I”m in fucking Paris.

We shall see where the evening takes us.

Hangover.

Walking in the rain. Place des vosges. Le Marais in the rain. Lovely. I love Paris. It never gets old.

Fancy dinner out and then drinking and drinking and drinking. Followed by dancing. Crazy town. I’m gonna have to recover for the whole month of January.

Hungover. Greetings.. long walks. Laughter. Changed apartments. Candelaria. More mixed messages. Pigalle. 5am hamburgers. Fighting frenchies for taxi’s. No email.

Complicated schedule. Mixed feelings. Unclear messages. Vespa rides through the city. Famous photographers. Lovely faces. Good byes you don’t want to peeled out of your lips. Good byes that are said and aren’t said. Good byes for later. Good byes for forever. Good byes you didn’t know were good byes.

Good people, bad people. Bad people? Not my people.

No more wine. No more wine!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Men.

I’m so so over them.

Confusing, misleading, and emotional. Blah.

Versaielles. Mopeds and the rain. French Photographers and fashion versus weddings.
I hear photographers talk and I’m surprised as to how much I know, which goes to show the only thing holding me back is myself.

Things are getting complicated, but I need to live as if things are my choice and my choice only.

Hung out with Stan tonight and grabbed drinks with another photographer friend. They talked about competing studios is Paris and shooting big campaign Is for magazines and international brands. Makes me head spin and yet I can keep up with them. Why? Because it is all the same. The same equipment and gear and way of shooting and handling people. I can do this. I just need to know french. like Yesterday. :lesigh:

Stan asked if he could see me tomorrow. For some reason I said yes. I enjoy his company.haha.. I dont like to complicate matters. I want an internship, not a relationship. and anything less is not an option, so what is it? gah. I leave in 7 days…….

Versaille was amazing. Huge, elaborate. Made me sorry for Louis the 16th. Poor guy inherited a mess and then lost his head….

Tomorrow is another day…
bisous.

What is it about photography that is both a blessing and a curse?

Everyone wants too be attractive.  No. Everyone wants to be affirmed. Acknowledged and loved.  Does this come from our inability to accept ourselves stemming from some lack of self-confidence?

Photography is creating an image.  Being a photographer is the ability to create an image, not take an image.  There is no difference between clients vs models.  A great image is when you have the ability/opportunity to allow someone to be vulnerable in front of the camera and you can capture it and give it back to them in a gentle and loving way.