It was one of those rare dreams that strikes you so strongly you wake up and can’t shake it off of you.

I arrived midday after a bit of traffic. I had photographed a baby that morning so the day was already long.

I hadn’t even stepped past the car yet and we were sitting on the bumper deep in conversation about the topic of relationships and our pasts. We felt the sun move on our skin and grabbed the bikes, towels and headed to the beach.

Margarita happy hour, a bike ride back to the house to trade in the for the vespa. We chased the sunset up the coastline and climbed over a fence to grab a better view of the waves on the cliffs. A giggly snuggly ride home again followed by making dinner and a fire.

We went out for cocktails and dessert. I just met this person and i feel as if i’ve known them.. Since forever.

We sipped cups of coffee out of ceramic mugs in the early morning air watching the surfers taste the sea.

“I’ll see you in Paris” he said. But we’ve not spoken of details of what/when/how…

Was I kind? Was i giving? Was i honest? Was i myself? The questions that swirl my head over the next few days.

In my dream i had met someone who was the other half of my soul; free, alive, breathing, strong, caring and funny. And then i met someone who was financially secure, grounded, wanting to take care of me home-house-children, but did not share my heart. I had to choose one.

Back to back to back to back photo sessions this week. 6 sessions in 10 days and I am doing my bestest to keep up with it all.

A Valentines day that was just as great as any other day. Sweet smiles from dear friends and and a non mushy snoopy video card from boy. Perfect.

I was photographing a wedding with Momma D in Palo Alto. A text message from the boy inviting us for tea and a view of the ocean since proximity was just too tempting. Momma D was up for the adventure so we accepted. Fast forward two hours and there I was post sushi dinner drinking our green tea whilst sitting on a park bench overlooking the Santa Cruz ocean with Momma D and boy.

This week has been trips down memory lane and work work work.

My childhood best friend is about to have a baby. I spent the day helping her get her house prepared. We found a box of letters from through the years and discovered the first letter I ever sent her.. 22 years ago as 9 year old little kid. It was so cute and mad me laugh until I cried.

Texts from Boy. I’m unsure.. but he is really sweet, and really kind, good looking, funny.. Marci is calling me out and saying I’m looking for things wrong with him so I don’t have to get invested. ugh…

This year is booking up fast. Work hard play hard here I come!

Words collected lately..

“It’s possible, we proved it, for two to disappear into the one of each other and in the process never lose ourselves.” TKG

If you dont know what you love, you are lost. – Murakami

“My gift to you will be an abyss, she said,
but it will be so subtle you’ll perceive it only after many years have passed
and you are far from Mexico and Me.
You’ll find it when you need it most, and that won’t be
the happy ending,
but it will be an instant of emptiness and joy.
and maybe then you’ll remember me,
if only just a little.” Balano

… is weird.

People are weird.
I, am weird.

After a long stand off of resisting distraction and perhaps just the needed reprieve ( or it may have been the back to back halmark movies)… I went online.

I liked my “about me”. Witty, soulful, honest. Just enough photos. Just the right key words. For 4 weeks I would get on as I fall to sleep and read the messages sent to me. Some simple like a “hello” or “how is your day?”, others would be socially awkward, too honest, or just wanting me to be the monkey that sings and dances and entertains them. These people find me based off of things that make their list or just my photo. I was spurred to respond a few times but didn’t.. too many factors of what I am looking for versus how I’m actually living and how that can actually be supported. But really.. my profile said I was in Oakland and I.. am in Rocklin. Any actual attempt to “date” would prove to take all the effort on my part at the current stage. So I would just read the messages, be entertained or not.. and go to sleep.

Until one night.. ::Enter in:: Mapman Chontgomery (whose name has been changed for the sake of internet key word searches).

First of all – who parks in the tenderloin?

Enter in :Dyle Kavis – the fun loving gentleman.

Arrives with his own turquoise blue hand thrown clay mug. My anxiety had the best of me by the time he arrived and all I could do was giggle awkwardly as i uttered “nice to meet you”.

I was glad I decided on the flats.. despite his photos of seemingly tallishness, I would have been taller in my normal boots.

I just have to write this – for the sake of having it written. If in one day, one week, one month, or ones year’s time I look back and think of the utter ridiculousness of my naivete of this moment, it is worth mentioning because it is the sunshine after the rain, the feeling of empty peace after a hard cry, the reprieve. It is hope. It is the smile. It is the affirming hug that I am not lost, not crazy, not alone. For when a connection is there, it is undoubtedly there. It is the conversation you don’t want to end, the curiosity/mystery and giddiness of having for that moment been shown your own reflection by another.

Whether or not to trust it, whether or not to allow it — those are the cautious questions we close our eyes as we utter them quietly to ourselves.

I had coffee with a boy that made me smile. He treated me like a lady, he gave me the gift of undiscovered Music/Books/New Destinations, and only asked for my most genuine self in return. Even if it was not what he was looking for he gave it back to me in one piece.
How refreshing it is to meet someone like this.

In our simple interaction my life has been enriched.

An invitation to be sponsored by an international photography brand.

6 books wedding in this last month.

No other words are really needed.

xo

I should have known better. I didn’t heed my own warnings to other people and I am now living the consequences of a friendship/business relationship gone awry.

So.. I don’t have a car anymore. The feeling of utter helplessness when my “freedom and independence” are ripped out from beneath me.
It left me reeling.

“You hold your truth so purely.”

Momentarily broken. Or just a reality check. Maybe a perspective change.

Regardless, I am capable and I am able. Living “this dream” is possible. To some degree or another. Just make sure to be thankful and not take people for granted along the way.

Give give give. Love love love. Be sincere. Be genuine. Be.

hmm hmm hmm.

Words collected lately.

“to travel:
falling in love with the
souls of different
cities;
becoming one with
its veins,
taking your
breath away
as you take in moments
you may never experience again;
striding to its heartbeat;
and the
butterflies; rambunctiously
fluttering,
find their way to your heart;
pricking you
with a travel bug
that lives off your desire to forever explore.”
-destiny janae

I ran a 10k race on Saturday morning. 40 degrees and 3 hours of sleep. I got a medal and I feel like I earned it. Even though my running buddy hurt her foot on mile 4 and we walked the last two miles. I felt terrible leaving her behind because of a better “time”.

A new commercial shoot has landed in my lap and I am scrambling to make it happen. 6 weddings booked this week and one cancellation. My hopes of “working fucking hard” in 2015 look to be coming true. It makes me sad to think I wont be able to travel during wedding season. I will survive. Eyes on the prize. Fall travel will prove to be amazing.

Celebrated Jess’s wedding in Florida. It was lovely and they had the most joyful ceremony I had ever seen. My cheeks hurt from the smile on my face.

This was the year of “intent”. Scotland, England, France, Spain, Portugal, Germany, Italy, Tunisia, Monaco (we’ll count it) . Road trip through the south of France, road trip through the Southwest. New years eve Hogmanay, Bastille day in Paris, Ramadan in Tunis, Muncheun Oktoberfest. Living in San Francisco. Living in Paris. Friends that are family. Friends getting married. Traveling with friends. Traveling alone. Forgiving the past. Living my dream job.
Time to level up. 2015… what do you have for me?

The fast paced “gypsiness” that the last 12 months held were… incredible. My mind is still trying to wrap itself around half of the things I got to see and experience. The last 6 weeks I’ve had enough downtime to reflect and all I can come up with is the disbelief of “whatttt?!! This is my life?!!”. I honestly don’t know what is next except that I have a full year of wedding clients and photo shoots here and abroad and I am so looking forward to watching this next adventure unfold. I have no regrets for chasing a crazy dream this far although the flip side of that and the sacrifices i’ve made have been not been easy. If I had it my way I’d be living in Paris right now. Who knows, maybe some day that will come to be. For now I’ll be popping back and forth between my homes. Forever restless and at completely at peace because this is where my heart lies.

I was in bed at 8pm. The party started at 8pm.  I had spent the day at the hospital and the three days prior being a “mom”.  I was exhausted… but I knew I needed to be social.  I was turning into a recluse and the blues were heavy every night.  I talked myself into going, borrowed a dress from my “kid” and headed downtown.  I walked into a house where I didn’t know a single person.  By the end of it..  I, well..  I dont know why I doubt myself.  I had new friends, coffee dates, happy hour rendezvous and a smile on my face as I fell to sleep at 4am.

I can’t breath.