One week until the next adventure begins.

I’m house sitting at the top of the hill.  I awoke to the sound of goats baa-ing out my window.  My view is rooftops and golden grass and oak trees.  one of my favorite landscapes.  This is home.

Tonight watching the sunset over the valley, the wind blew softly and I sat, content.

Conversations with Rob this week.  Unexpectedly heeling.  I feel lighter.  I feel free from that weight I had been carrying.  Bitterness, anger –  Feels so nice to set those down.

Maybe now I can really move on.

I feel almost ready to hop this plane.  No freak outs yet.  I still have 7 days to go though.. so we shall see. haha…

I started making a list of things that I’ve experienced that have given me inexplicable joy.

I look forward to adding to it.  I’ll keep it remind me when I have my sinking moments.

Words collected recently —

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move. – Robert Stevenson

She may be going to hell, but atleast she’s not standing still. – EE cummings

“The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.” – Pablo Picasso

“Dreams happen with the continual, consistent, commitment to show up to our days.”

“The edge.. there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.”- Hunter Thompson

When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an outlaw.”  Nelson Mandala

Some downtime.

This week has nothing (much) on the calendar.  A wedding this weekend, a wedding next weekend.   An inbox full of emails and a to do list a mile long.

I donned my bright blue maxi and grabbed coffee with a lone wolf (an older gent that’s trying SO HARD to get into my pants)..  for kicks and giggles I suppose.

I saw Rob. Again.  Thank glory to be I was dressed WELL and felt HAWT.  He even remarked how vibrant I was. I said it was a good hair day, he said it was a good everything day.

I needed to hear that. From him.

Good. Hard. Heartwrenching. and somehow healing.  Completely familiar. A complete stranger.

I guess that is how things are sometimes.

My french lessons are coming along.  My body is responding to is beatings. 10 miles on the bike yesterday on top of an hour of weight training.  two more days of that this week plus yoga this weekend.

2 weeks until EU.  I miss it so much.

I’m struggling so much lately with feeling “stupid”, “uneducated”, “lower middle class”.

How do these things define me or participate in my life.  I can only read so much, have time for self development  and life within my means.  I always feel this way after being at my parents for a while.  Or being around people who are overly educated. *ugh*  I just don’t know what the answer is.

6 weeks until I submit my visa application.

*say a prayer for me*

In order for things to change or to create progress I have to become obsessed. It has to become your life. It is the only way in which to see results. Which is why my life has recently revolved around – French lessons, fitness training, executing my to do list.
Allez!

I went on a date with a boy that left me swooning so hard that I never wanted to see him again. We watched the France vs Honduras game at an Irish pub in soma. Everything about him was attractive. Half Scottish /aka duel citizenship. Lived in 7 countries, works as a counselor for recovering sex workers. I could go on. But I won’t. Because I don’t want to remember him. I don’t want to remember how I felt when I left. Like I was il educated, unrefined and like a child in comparison.

I am not perfect, but I have a lot to offer. But I’m not done working in me yet.

But I love dating solely for the purpose of my world expanding in a new way. Discovering a new world of – Joe Purdy, World Cup games, new bars and acquainting myself with the city, and again putting myself out there. Je ne regrette pas rien.

I found my layer of bleu has immortalized itself on me and won’t let go. I am determined! Does it not know who it is messing with?

Je suis Sarah Dawson. Je vous mon plasir.

Reprieve.

Magic.

A resettling and I feel myself again. Focused alive and put together. Oh and like a grown up that has something to offer.  SF/Paris.  This is where I belong.

Client meetings for weddings in NYC.  A bit of shopping for Sicily. A bit of shopping for myself.  I feel less disheveled.  Lunch dates with dear friends, magic forests with french guy. Paris emails.  This is the life I have been looking for.

It continues to be a breath of fresh air. Even 6000 miles away.

Even the spinning wheel of despair cannot reach me when I am reminded of you.  Who I am in Paris…  The life I have there.  The people, that life.  This is what I want.    Do I “deserve” it? No.  Who deserves such things.  Are we ever “good enough”?  no.  It’s not about those things.

Tonight I need a reminder of who I am. What I’m capable of, and what it is I am pursuing. In the pursuit is the reward.  Isn’t all about the journey? Look how far you’ve come Sarah.  You’ve come so far.  Don’t lose sight.  Don’t give up.  Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

Oh summer. You are here.

6th day in a row hitting it hard at the gym.  I was so tired today.   I added swimming laps to my regime and fixed up the bike.  BRING IT ON.

My editing load and to do list is insane.  Just how I like it.

My mother accused me of being goal oriented and motivated person.  I’ll except her compliment.

My thoughts lately have been on ..  leveling up. For photography, personally, etc.,  I need to be pushing myself harder for things further than I’m reaching right now.   Learning french, trying new photography techniques.. It is time.

Words collected lately..

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. – Kurt Vonnegut

Something in me vibrates to a dusky, dreamy smell  of dying moons and shadows. – Zelda Fitzgerald

She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together. – JD Salinger

Serendipity.. the theme continues.

The day started off with Amel and I attacked the morning and went to Kooka boora Cafe.  I wanted to show her “my Paris” and there was the potential of man eye candy there.  We spent a couple hours there working on our laptops and then parted ways.  I ended up meeting talking with this dutch/american girl for the following few hours about international tax law of which is her specialty.  So perfect!  I walked south from Pigalle to connect to line 9.  The weather was nice and I bought myself a dress that I couldn’t resist.  As I was about to get on at Bonne Nouvelle a man stopped my and proceeded to tell me his life story in the ensueing 2 minutes follow by a request for my phone number. I was flattered, but confused my the abruptness of the moment.  He was italian. Curiosity wins out and I gave him my card and french mobile info.   I dressed and headed out to meet the Betsy and girls for dinner.  I talked wedding stuff with Betsy afterwards and then decided to walk home from there since the weather was still so lovely.  As I was walking near Odean I passed a bar – L’avant Comptoir – and heard men singing inside.  I kept on walking only to have a man run after me and invite me inside insisting that I didn’t want to miss this.  I guess there was a choir from the south of france performing at the olympia the next evening and they were out enjoying the city tonight.  The man managed to request that the men serenade me. Next thing I know I am in the middle of the group with the entire bar looking at me .  It was comedic. Amazingly beautiful. I was three shades of red and couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.  I attempted to speak french/english/spanish with them and their wives afterwards to no avail.  The man that had orginally chased me down requested my phone number but I managed to get out of it and thank him for the experience.    I again started home and as I was passing notre dame a group of woman stopped me and asked me to wish their bride to be some sort of silliness.  I gladly gave them some ideas for shenanigans since I had just done this the week prior in Spain.  They were so excited about my games that they invited me to join them for the rest of the evening.  The bride was Tunisian and insisted that I come shoot her wedding there.  Sadly I was already booked that date.  haha..  I finally finished my walk home and was in bed by 4am.  Le sigh.    Just a regular day in Paris….

Barcelone –

Long walk up La Rambla, dinner by myself at La Federal café,  evening walk along the port back to BArcelonetta, I went out for a drink late that just because  and I didn’t want to be a total lamo.  Day two was a quick run along the beach and then embracing the beach ways and laying topless so I could sunburn my boobs ( not on purpose ).  I walked the rest of the day and soaked in the city.  I went to bed early since I was so sunburned.  The next morning I hustled over to the new apartment and waited for the girls to arrive.  The apartment was amazing and perfect for our international rendevouz for betsy’s celebration.  I even managaed to make her cry when she saw me.. my presence being that much of a surprise.  The rest of the day we relaxed, went for some tapas, drank champagne, and walked a bit of the city.  Day 4 consisted of a bike ride through the city, tapas and champagne on the beach, and then full on Bachelorette Party- ness complete with all the silly stupid and wild games that come with this type of celebration.  The night ended well and the morning began with giggles reminiscing the night before.  I managed to make out with a cute dutch boy and for sure broke his heart.  He sent me photos via whatsapp later and chatted lightly with promises to see each other again.  The next day was tiresome and we walked through the old gothic side of the city and brunched, did a bit of shopping and then napped.  A few of us caught the sunset from parc Guell which was definitely a highlight for me from the entire trip.  The night ended with a final dinner out on the town..  and went downhill have having too many lemoncello shots.  I pretty much passed out at some point and was incapable of getting myself home.  It was the first time and the only time I will cross a line.  It was necessary and I immediately felt better afterwards.  Quite amazing actually. I was able to walk myself out and actually function the rest of the day.  I met up with a nice Spanish guy and had dinner and coffee and chatted the night away.  Thus ends my Barcelona experience!

One whole month since my last post?

Geez.

I didn’t want to write. Because..  I didn’t want to read it later.

Since then…  A week in Sacramento. A week in Florida.  A week in Spain and lastly a week in Paris.

I am rejuvenated and have hope and motivation for my next visa application.  I feel like i actually have a chance.  I can do this.

I have six weeks until my next adventure. Next up is Sicily, Rome, Paris and Tunis.  Three new cities and two new countries.  More delightful people, more crazy stories.

The word if the day is: vivre  – to live, experience, exist.

The next 6 weeks are filled with shooting and editing, client albums, french lessons, losing 10 lbs, ukulele lessons, taking care of my dog, finishing my visa application.

Aller!