A Friday wedding that I took the muni to and from.  I love love love city living and would be so satisfied to be in SF long term.  Saturday’s brunch with GF’s and a bus to Sacramento. Late night cocktails with gfs and an early morning to Roseville.  It’s always surreal walking into Sacramento and Roseville and I feel that I’m best free from places with long memories. Regardless, it was a great day with old faces. Irish meal with the family and distractions via Tinder. ( Reality is: I’m content. And really picky. and don’t want to waste my time or someone else’s.  I’m not looking for a hook up.  I’m looking for a good one.  The right one. Perhaps.  But then again, who am I kidding. I’m not looking.  I guess its more of “curious”. I just don’t have time for this sort of thing right now.  I’ve gotten the question a lot lately ” who are you seeing nowadays” followed by surprise when I say “no one”.   Honestly. I’m happy. I’m content in throwing myself into my work.  )

Another day, another dollar.

A year ago I was drinking the days away. Looking for someone to love me. Looking to escape.  I was ok. But not.    I was stuck in pre divorce limbo.  Stuck in obligation.  I was chasing boys that were crap. Basically a hot mess.  I try not to judge woman now when I see them in that place.  It is a place of misery that you just aren’t even aware that exists.  I try to explain it to people when they pass that judgement.  I try to show them, tell them, reason with them.  but it is only something that you can experience and share in those memories of the (hopefully) journey that that takes you on.  It’s brutal.

Keep moving forward.  Even if the path you take isn’t straight, at least you are moving.

Too many things in my brain, wrestling with my heart, on my plate and perhaps that is the reason I can get nothing done.

I know how to ask for help. I cant help but to then feel lazy.

Truth is…

I’ve forgotten the feeling of your cheek on my cheek.

But not the memory of how you made me laugh when you placed it there so goofily.

I don’t want to remember you.

I can go days and even weeks without thinking of you.

Then you pop up out of nowhere and I can’t rid you of my mind for hours on end.

I could give a damn.

But then when given the opportunity, I realize I do.

But I don’t want to.

I’ve sat and thought in detail of the life we almost had.  The life we could have had.  The life that was.

It was joyful, and sad. Hard.  But full of growth, triumph and love.

We had love.

So truth is:  I still love you.

But I don’t want to.

In no particular order: An email from her.  (more on that later). My babe Jude not well and me 2 hours away, a warriors game with E via the bart, lunch with J and a lot to think about for my ::possible:: future.  Sunrise over the city from Mt. Davidson with a fellow instagrammer and the discovery of new photo places.  A lot of good mixed in with equal parts highly emotional and heavy things.

I walked two miles to buy groceries today.  The sun was out. So was the wind.  Add in San Francisco hills.  I loved it.   I realize now I have done this sort of “hike” in so many cities.  I relish those experiences and memories. And the inconvenience. Or the convenience that I’ve had that I’ve taken for granted.

As I walked I mused about: the unibomber (since I was wearing a hoodie and aviators (and those that wear that combo now get double looks because of it)), Spain, Instagram, dinner with the boys in Paris and how I miss our jazz nights, living in SF and networking with people here, my life and how I’m living it for myself but more so how I want it to contribute to something bigger than me in the end,  and the possible radio interview I have for next month. hmm..

I arrived on the 5:50 mega bus into SOMA.  My bags were ridiculously heavy and so I opted for the taxi.  $12 dollars later I was at Scott and Turk Street and ringing the door bell.  After lugging the goods up (only one flight!) I plopped on my bed in my 7×7 ft room and almost cried.  She said it was small, but what she didn’t realize what this little square inch of personal space meant to me.  I had a bed, a desk and plenty of floor pace.  My new slice of heaven.  I unpacked, stretched out and looked out my window.  San Francisco for now.  And all the crazy complications that my life is and why I have chosen to live this way. Partially because I must for too many reasons and partially because nothing else will do.

Aside from freezing today, it is glorious sunshiny and I am so so happy to be here.

Home for already 4 days.  My days have been: jet lag free, full of dear friends, showing face, networking, meetings,  ukelele jams, cappuccinos, emails and just breathing in Sacramento.  In a sense: incredibly productive.

I am my best when days look like this.

words:

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” – EB White

Landing on SF I 20 mins.  I actually managed to sleep this flight.  That never happens.

My last day in Paris was, perfect.

I wandered, took photos at my leisure and discovered new and old places.  I ate at a café at Place des Vosges for a final good bye.

Amel and I hosted an apero for a few friends for the evening.  We ate, drank and sang the night away.  So fantastic.

Flying home from Paris, well, flying home in general always has mixed feelings for me.  I’ve been gone over two months this time.  My longest amount of time yet.  I so so dearly miss people, my clothes and for some funky reason, Sacramento.  Ugh.  I didn’t want to get attached.  But I guess it was inevitable.  Again, I don’t want to get attached, but I have 4 months ahead of me , it is inevitable.  Restless beast has a place to grumble once again.

Curse you, you beast.

A dream state.

Portuguese pastries, epic monuments, spiral staircases with lovely views. Someone is holding my hand and I like it. We lost ourselves in Alfama. He cleaned all the fish bones out for me since I didn’t know how. We had a coffee overlooking the ocean. Climbed to the top of a castle. I smiled at the sun as the wind tangled my hair. We had two rounds of bloody Mary’s because you can’t have just one when it’s the best. We climbed chiado and had the biggest mojito known to man as a raggae band jived. The city was alive and we wandered around listening to the bustle.
I asked him not to leave. He asked me to smile. His words came out slow with a nod to his head, “San Francisco is not that far away” and the door clicked shut behind him.

Today is too much.

Too many solicitations from men.  I am so burnt out.

I wonder what it is about me ( or if I am the one that is prompting it?) that allows for this type of interaction to even take place.  I think sometimes I am ok with it, probably even look for it. But really? Is there no level of decency left for a man to even want to pursue something beyond one night?  It seems like a even the concept “cup of coffee conversation” has no place in a mans world.   Even though I do not want a relationship right now does not mean that I don’t enjoy the company of man.  What is so wrong to want to go out, enjoy food, conversation, people places things.  But no, guys just want to know that the end effort will be in their bed. for the night at best.  Maybe I am functioning on some level of naivety, or perhaps I just keep meeting shitty men.

::sigh::

I canceled my date for the evening and have stayed in my pjs all day.  I have gotten a decent amount of work accomplished for the day.  I am feeling productive.

Tomorrow is a full day. Shooting, a friends birthday party and then Portugal early on Saturday.  I have mixed feelings, but whatever.  It’s Portugal.  It will be great regardless.