I hopped a plane Friday afternoon to Paris as I had a proposal/engagement session waiting for me Saturday afternoon. I crashed at Bretsy’s place and it was oh so lovely to catch up with them. Betsy called me on my non-commital attitude. I wanted to resist and tell her I was wrong. but she was right. I need to commit. I need to focus and lock myself down and make a plan and do everything possible to execute it. It was hard to hear but I was grateful for the honesty. After my photoshoot we celebrated with other frenchies and expats with an ugly sweater party. I fell to sleep around 3 and had to get up again to catch my plane back to Spain at 7am. I was still tipsy by the time my feet touched the ground in Spain around noon. Today has been a slow comfy day of recovery and reading. I so have missed reading. I’ve already finished Divergent that I started Friday on the plane to Paris. It’s time for dinner and Janna and I are going to grab some tapas and hopefully Sangria here in Seville. More later.. xoxo
I’m sitting in row 3 seat A in coach 10 to Seville San Justa. I’ll arrive after 10pm and probably take a taxi to the apartment where I will finally arrive in the apartment I have paid for. I will only be here 10 days now as opposed to the 5 weeks I was originally intended to have. But, that is life, is it not? It never goes as planned, but intentions are enough and fate/destiny/god’s will takes over.
It’s amazing to see what is Spanish culture, human culture, European culture and compare it all to the different places I have been. A lot of the things I LOVE about Paris are here. In Madrid. Who knew? The city, archicture, café life, mode of transportation. People are friendlier here. In every way. Paris is still special. Still unique. Still paris. But.. wow. Spain you have taken me by surprise.
I am glad to have had time here post FF. I can see him for what he really is and not just a Spaniard. And well.. I’m disappointed. All the things I loved were Spanish. Not him. Ok, maybe a little him. Spending time with Juan was so great. He too, is not what I expected. I … don’t even know what to say. If I was moving here maybe. But I really do not want to do long distance again. So I am resisting. And enjoying it for what it is. But that is so hard to do. And, I feel like I have already broken his heart. But he is coming to Sevilla this weekend to see me. So.. until then. :)
The moment I knew I loved Spain… When I was sitting in a park listening to live music on Sunday morning. This, you will not find in France. At least not by French people anyway. This was a people who were real. And I love it.
Today I woke up late after another bout with jet lag. I woke up and packed the rest of my things. Juan told me to go to Taberna La Daniela and have Cocido Madrileno. It reminded me of corn beef and cabbage that my grandmother makes for St Patty’s day. It started off with a broth soup and with what looked like spaghetti noodles. The next course is boiled veggies – carrots, cabbage, potatoes and chickpeas with and an assortment of boiled meats. Fish, pork, beef, chicken and bone marrow. It was enough to feed probably 4 people. I also had a beer and finished it off with a café con leche. The waiter brought me over a sweet dulce liquor for aperitivo. Esta perfecto.
I then walked through Retiro again because the sun was out and I know the fall leave will not be there next time I return. It is just gorgeous. I had a beer at the top of Palacio de Cebeles – the same block I was dropped off at via the bus when I first arrived. I watched the sunset behind the Metropoli building and then hoofed it back to my apartment where Juan was meeting me to take me to the train station. We had another beer in the same bar we had been in the day before. The waitresses recognized us and we all had a laugh. It was my turn to catch the train and we said our good byes. I gave him the hand written thank you card on my stationary. It was like I gave him a billion dollars. Another kiss good bye.. ok, maybe 5 or 6. :)
Processing –
What I had with FF was real. We were smitten and enchanted by each other. Perhaps not the same reasons, at the same time. Isn’t that always how it is though? When I said good bye in July it was over. It just took awhile.. It’s so easy (and so much harder) when it is the idea of someone.. and not really someone in the flesh.. I do know one thing though. I like the assholes. UGH. I respond to how they treat me badly. I become needy and desperate and willing to overlook so much. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I want to be in a kind levelheaded loving relationship. Where I am me. Where I am free and can hold my head high and not be sad and needy. Please, please let it be…
From Chloe- “Read this quote tonight that was written about you: throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country. – Anais Nin”
I can only hope.
Day 3 in Madrid and things didn’t go as planned at first. I didn’t sleep (again) because of jet lag. The trains were sold out and so I decided to stay another day. It all worked out though. I met Juan for lunch and we had Tortilla de Patatas which is a very traditional dish in Spain. I’m grateful for my time in Madrid and the experience of this culture. If gives me broader perspective to.. everything. I could live here. Like Paris, I like the way they live, mode of transportation, food, perspective of life and I just want to be a part of that for a while. Maybe not forever, but I want to experience it as it if is my own and know what it is like for it to feel natural as if I had been here all along.
Today I will walk the city, camera in hand.
What a crazy day.
Yesterday – Jet lag. Naps that I need but shouldn’t take that I took. Day of instructions from Juan that made for an effeciant lovely day. Walking the main road, visiting lovely, gorgeous architecture, Parque de Retiro, Palacio de Crystal, Reina Sofia Modern Art Museum. Discovering that spain speaks no english! HA! Beautiful christmas markets and super crowded streets. Discovering more artists – and being moved by their work, talent or vision.
Today – Jet lag – woke up at 4:30am. Brutal. Fall back to sleep at 7:30am.. woke up at 10:30am… bounced out of bed for my date with Juan. He promised to show me the city, and I was absolutely game for this insiders tour of this gorgeous city. We started with spanish breakfast.. – very similar to french breakfast – croissant (toasted, rolled in sugar and served with jam) orange juice and coffee. The cafe owner gave me a menu to take home because he saw me taking a picture of the napkins. He was such a character. I would love to photograph him.
We then walked all over… for almost twelve hours. In his broken english he told me about everything. We had tapas and wine, then more tapas and wine. I wasnt allowed to pay for anything. We had dinner with his friends for a home cooked meal, jamon, huevos, rabbit, toasts with cheese, machango cheese. So much yum. and of course, more wine. :)
We then walked all over again. a good night kiss. plans for lunch tomorrow before I leave.
Yes. it was a great day.
25 hours into driving across the US. We’ve made it all the way through half of Texas. Rotations between the three of us driving and sleeping made it possible to make great time. We stopped here and there along the historic route of 66.. America is so weird. Route 66 seems like it is inhabited by Zombies. And I love it. Sleepless “drunken” funnies.. Glorious.
We watched the sunrise over Alberqurque New Mexico from the top of a hill overlooking the whole town. Magical. I love these beazies. I am grateful for bosom buddies such as these ladies..
A light snow covered the ground of the high sierras as we continued east. Texas was a repetition of flat textures. Wheat, Hay and Cotton fields. We stopped in Amarillo and then got stopped just outside Amarillo. Let off with a warning and California plates. Cadillac ranch completed our Texas experience and we continued to Arkansas. We made it to Lafayette and visited and slept. We drove through the gorgeous winter landscape of the Ozark mountains. It took us 7 hours to drive 300 miles because of insane traffic caused by construction. We were supposed to make it to Nashville for the night but ended up staying the night in Memphis instead. We embraced the opportunity and hit Beale street hard. Catfish sandwiches, gator chips and fried green tomatoes for dinner split three ways and live blues music. Memphis is rich with history and we couldn’t help but visit Graceland and the location of MLK’s assassination. Both were moving in their own ways.
I wish I had weeks to just drive and see what pops out to me to photograph. I am tortured as we drive past things. I don’t want to be obnoxious and make them stop as much as I would really love to. I have to deal with my disappointment and fear of lost opportunities. Note to self: Plan a trip for the Southwest, Monument valley, Grand Canyon, Zion, Antelope Canyons.
We’ve just arrived in Nashville – more to come!
Errands, sleeping, shooting, packing. Getting there. I look forward to a day where things are not chaotic and disconnected. Hope.
I spent the day with old family. It was good. It was hard. Also necessary. Another level of moving on.
Almost finished with projects from 2013. Amongst the crazy editing, late night shenanigans and slow mornings another week has flown by. Today I breathed. Enjoyed the fall colors, enjoyed the cooler weather, enjoyed coffee and conversations with friends. I delivered Christmas cookies to friends and did some shopping for my upcoming trip.
Honestly – I thought this whole dating thing would be easier.
Am I just hanging out with the wrong crowds? Looking in the wrong places? I thought meeting decent guys was easier than this.
Realization – my crazy life/schedule will only continue this way, for another year at minimum. I don’t have time for dating. Or a real relationship. Sigh.
Today’s victories: 3 signed weddings this week. One of which is for a French girl getting married in the south of France next fall. This is progress.
Someone saw my work at Broadacre and purchased a piece. Another person wants to host my show at their space next summer. Awesome!
Added Dublin to my itinerary for the winter. Another country down! That will be 6 new countries in the last 12 months. So stoked!
Friday morning I leave and drive across country to DC with two of my best friends. I love my life.
Re-adjusting, again.
Grateful for the flexibility. I am not ready to jump a plane to Spain just yet. I feel guilty for (unpurposefully) not hanging out with my family these last few weeks. Work has consumed me. I cant even remember the last time I worked this hard. Grandma is not doing well. I want to spend one holiday with them this year. Decision made.
I feel relief for myself. I may just be prepared by the time I leave now. I don’t like disappointing people. I hate functioning out of guilt. I also hate having the “fear of missing out”.
Say yes to life, but pace yourself. I have found it easier to make decisions off of the reasoning of “in retrospect, what will I regret more?”. I find it very motivating.
My priorities in life have changed. Sleep is at the top of that list. I just love sleep. I find I am my best self when I get a proper amount of it.
5 days until I leave. Moved out of my office yesterday. Sold the remaining bits of my things. I’ve gotten my projects down to 5.. amazing. I sent my clients all a thank you gift. It felt nice to do something like that. I need to do more.
I have two days of shooting. Two days of editing, and one day for packing. I can do this.
I’m prepared, but not. I have no money.. but I know I can survive with what I have. I am walking forward with not knowing where my steps lead me. This is adventure.
Maybe it is my personality. Maybe it is just the circumstances that I am living. I want to be happier in this moment but a majority of what I feel is panic. Ick. I do not like my attitude. I know that If I didn’t do this though I would be forever upset with myself. SO… here we go. With a smile on my face and another day to tackle ferociously.
Actions speak louder than words. Actions are stronger than words. What you are doing is more important than what you say you want to do.
Words collected recently:
“So fill your heart with what is important and be done with all the rest.”
Between the wish and the thing, the world lies waiting. – Cormac McCarthy
“It was the time of the year, the time of day, for a small insistent sadness to pass into the texture of things. Dusk, silence, iron chill. Something lonely to the bone. – Don Delillo
The circumstances of my life are not boring or conventional.
Remember that one time I applied for my french visa and was denied? Remember that one time I met a delightful spanish man that I had a long distance summer romance with? Remember the time you sold everything you own so you could travel and move to france? No, not boring at all.