I have enough money for rent.

My back itches.  I really enjoy hot showers.

It’s been raining for three days straight.  My engagement session is rescheduled until tomorrow. Promises of sun just around the corner.

A nightmare that woke me.  My kids crying.  Me unable to help them even though I was fighting to do so.

Mexico is 4 days away.  I need some sun on my skin and unknown adventure at my fingertips.

We’ve talked about moving in together.  I struggle with articulating my needs.  My need for space, light, and peace.  Space that is just mine and no one else’s.

I struggle with scaring him away, with forcing him to realize his mistake, and losing my one final hold on the bay area I can afford.

I struggle.

I need a good long run.  In the rain.

But I have a wedding I need to edit and finish today.

Today.

struggling.

restless beast.

May our choices reflect our hopes, not our fears. – Nelson Mandela

Struggling to decipher which way to lay my steps and intentions.   Away from but towards what?  How what is next?

Portraits. Business shoots. Crossing my fingers to survive the slow season.

How did I get here?  I can drive myself mad with the roundabout thinking.

If I don’t believe in devine design, than what does chaos have in store for me?

Suddenly I feel lost.

I feel his absence after he leaves.  Turns out I’m quite attached and perhaps fully smitten.  Care, support, consistency, depth of character.  This is the good man I have so long searched for.   I am myself completely, that freedom too is a uniquely beautiful thing.

There is no half way, or sort of’s.  I am 100 percent.  Now if only I can keep the restless beast away.  The beast needs it’s space, to be ignored, and just allowed the time to process.  All will be fine in the end.

home and all the restlessness I can muster.

You cannot measure the impact you have one someones life.  You cannot anticipate the difference you make in someones path.

flowers at the welcome home gate and snuggles and kisses I’ve anticipated for 4 weeks.

this program could potentially be my new path. It all starts somewhere right?  Teaching photography, giving value, giving love.  I can do these things.  Financially things are a complete mess.  I need to figure out what is next.

The photos are hung.  We’re expecting around 300 people.  It could be less, it could be more.  I’m really in aw.  This started with a small intention… and now its a living program, first ever gallery exhibition of its kind, and know the world over.

The roller coaster ride is complete.  The tears and heartbreak have been shed, but not over with just yet.  I know as I begin to process over the next few weeks it will come in waves.

Things I want to remember.

• Sweet, shy, insecure, ADD Isha, who sleeps on the cement floor with just a blanket.
• Giggling Versha and her red twirling dress.
• Priyanshu’s strut.
• Compassionate Uzma.
• SK, 13 years old, father has passed.  Sews buttons on a shirt for 8 hours everyday after school. He makes 8 rupees (11 cents ) per shirt.
• Reshma and Sryiansh, natural leaders, takes care of the younger kids.
• Riya, Priya, Sumatra – lost their mothers and are on the brink of finding a new path other than what they’ve always known.

the three week mark was the straining point for Chris and I.  I could tell on our facetime that It dreaminess of it all was wearing off.   He missed me and was ready for this all to be over with.  He was less smiley then before and anxious about the coming days.  I felt that at week two for myself, as the program was at it’s longest days, and routine and close quarters were taking its toll.  As a team, the guys and I  survived though and our sprits are once again positive and uplifted as we are set to fly home in less than 48 hours.

His letter arrived, 3 weeks later.  A hug from home and a squeeze from that amazing man that I am so grateful for and lucky to have.

I struggle with the images or The Parveen family of 5 who’s father has passed and they are struggling to keep their home.  Their home that is half the size of my room and all 5 share one bed.  Two of those kids are our best photography students.  Sweet Saba, and hardworking SK.

Sapna – Hindi for dream

the realization that there is only 8 days left.  the realization that I’m going to miss these kids, but also asking, have I really done them good?

This week left me an emotional basket case.  Unexpected new president and the continued challenges of being here.  Food, health, safety, freedom.  Mirrored a world away but not so different overall.

I’ve cried more in the last 30 days than I have all year.  I underestimated how challenging this trip would be.  Not just the part where I’m in India, there is so much more to it than that.    I miss fresh vegetables, being able to go places by myself, and most of all, the beauty that is silence. haha..     The best part of my day is hanging out with my students and talking photography with them.  They can’t get enough.  Our theme one week was “love”.  We asked them what they loved and all of their answers were family, god and friends.   We talked about how that is expressed and photographed.   When we sent the camera’s home with them, most of them brought back images of their moms, grandmothers and siblings.  I’ve really loved getting to know their personalities and quirks, to see what they respond to and laugh at, and how they love and care for their families and friends.

This place is chaos, this place is dirty, it is confusing, it’s noisy (think fireworks and car horns even through the night)

I have to allow myself the space to believe in “magic”.  Things don’t just happen.  Whoever or whatever is behind it, my life theme continues…  **serendipity**

we went to the printer’s to say hello again and follow up with the talk of promised sponsorship and prints.  Turns out the owner wasn’t in yet, so we waited in the alley next door.  This poor woman who’s family was living in the alley came up to us and gave us a bag of cut of fruit and said “Chau Puji” I realized she was giving us a gift, as I had read that is what most of these holidays are about, bowed as we took it.  I remembered I had my polaroid printer with me as well as some candies so we went over and offered some gifts in thanks.  The kids were so elated about the candy that the little girl bowed and touched my feet in gratitude.  I took a few photos and printed them up for them and watched their beaming faces as look their photos.  We head inside as the boss had arrived and were not sure what to do with the fruit.  We offered it to one of the workers and she put it on the desk.  The boss man walks in and said a few prayers to his gods, then turned to the bag of fruit and immediately grabbed it and put it to his forehead in prayer.  Afterwards he asked his assistant where it came from and she pointed to us.  He was shocked (as were we) and thanked us for our holy gift.

The things you just don’t know!!!!

It launches us into a great discussion about the purpose and intentions of our program, the importance of photography, and his involvement.  It was an incredibly uplifting meeting, and we all reveled in the chance that we had stumbled upon this print shop out of all the shops here in Kolkata.

and so it begins

30 minutes to summarize the core element of photography – composition.  Jumping in and not know what is the best way to teach it, language barrier as well as the challenge of having to learn this “new” language of photography and “seeing”.  3 hours of total time spent in instruction including shooting time and image review.  It took a while, but slowly and surely, the lights started to turn on and we were seeing that most of them were getting it.

We are adapting as we go, adjusting the lesson plan to their pace of learning.  But they are getting it.  We told them about the exhibition and instantly their eyes lit up and smiles were on their faces.  They are so excited.

Processing my own emotions :: feelings like, inadequate, inarticulate, not fun/funny, not friendly enough.

Questions like:: will this work? will we fail? will we disappoint people?, Am I being all the things above? am I being egotistical? am I being outgoing enough? Am I listening? am I being kind to locals?

My fears are:: I don’t want to devalue anyone, offend anyone, or be a burden.

Thoughts moving forward ::

I have just as much to contribute as any of the other teachers here.  I am so grateful to be here, to have this experience and to be able to share time and space and love with these kids.  My affect will never be known to me, but it is worth it non the less.

36 hours in India

It was a bomb waiting to go off – my built up anticipation and anxiety were just waiting to be satiated.

Don’t get me wrong, it did not disappoint, but I immediately felt like I was back in Ho chi man city Vietnam with the amount of bustle, noise, humidity, smells and people.  It felt familiar, like a place of promised adventures, and a place I was content to be.

Chai from the local spot three doors down. 20 rupees, piping hot and drinkable in clay cups that will shatter when you toss them in the trash when finished.

Today was – morning traffic and Howrah views.  Shaking little eager hands like I was a celebrity, surrounded by the murmurs of “good morning ma’am”.  My smile was a mile long.  Morning walk through the slums, kids collecting and following as we went along, again, I felt like a movie star and stop to shake all the happy hands and wish them good morning. Cows, motos, buses, honking taxi’s.  Kids, beggars, men going about their business.  This is the busiest streets I’ve ever seen, definitely beginning to max me out.  More time back at the school with the awesome kids. Badminton and everyone fighting for a turn.  Lunch was hand made “tortillas” and eggs. A ferry ride home.  My legs are jello and I am fighting jet lag.  My zombie like countenance is taking over and I struggle to form sentences that make sense. Which was perfect because we had 4 more appointments set up for the day.  We met up with George to check out the exhibition space that is still under construction.  We met with the photo lab that decided to sponsor the exhibition unprompted.  The owner invited us to tea afterwards and we shared stories of the program, our visit to india and about he shared ideas as to how we should celebrate and witness Diwali this weekend.

Then it was off to Hamari Miskan – the second group of kids at the center for children of the sex workers. Instantly I am in love again and am so  so so so excited to be a part of this program.  The opportunity this is providing is priceless and essential. We went to dinner with the headmasters of the center and discussed logistics of the class schedules as well as more plans for sight seeing for diwali.

Every step is a contradiction.  I love this place, this place is horrifying. that smile! the smell.  The noise, the delightful chaos, the people, these living conditions.  The yo yo doesn’t stop.  My mind and my senses are numb from the overload.

I am so glad I am here.  I was meant to be here. Everything has contributed to where I am right now.  I suppose I will continue to trust the path that I am blindly following.

6am comes early. Good night.

Enroute to India

Of course, my final week is spent finishing up work projects and running around like a chicken with its head cutt off.  My anxiety was wracking me and I found myself crumbling too many days in a row.  Chris came and spent the week with me. He went to work to and from my place and then would make me dinner and run errands with me.  I am so grateful for his silent support. I said it before.. “quiet strength”..  that is him for sure.  Self assured, not flashy, unassuming, consistent, supportive and patient. Everything I need in my psychotic free falling state.

bumped into Esther at sfo as we headed out on our separate and exotic adventures.  We shared a glass of wine as we waited for our flights.  Bummed about our non shared experiences but love that we share this love for travel and adventure.

15 hours of flight time and 6 hours in Dubai.  Emirates is a great airline. Clean comfy and great amenities for economy tickets.  I slept a little, worked a little, and watched two bollywood films.    as much as I like, I feel that there is no way to prepare myself for what I am about to experience.  As best as I can, the only way is to just jump in.

Conversations with the guys prove that this thing has grown in the right direction, with the right people.  I feel like we are well balanced in our gifts and strengths.   I have a few moments when I need reminded of what mine are, but I know I have a lot to contribute.  As long as I can have an open heart, and open mind,patience and kindness, I am good to go.

I have a few reservations about details that I don’t fully understand, things that seem sketch or political, but I have to remind myself of what I am here for, what started this path and that it is actually happening.  I felt India calling my name a year ago and here I am.  What do you have for me life?!  what do you have for me..

<3