I was late to drinks with a photographer whom had added me last time I was here.  I was unsure as to the nature of the meeting hoping for something purely professional and friendly.  why am I so naive?  It was nice to talk shop and about paris…  twice an invitation to come over to “see a camera book or a photo film” followed by an offer to drive me home. Nice evening, but not innocent.

Lunch with Brian and Betsy and their wedding photographer.  Excited for next summer and grateful for the hand of friendship from a fellow photog in this city.

Stalingrad at dusk, french hot dogs and hipster clubs near the canal.  Baby french filmmakers and caipirinhias.  Talk of traveling the world, where we’ve been where we want to go. lovely evening.  I said good night before it could go any further.  I’m such an age-ist.

Photo shoots with a french company at Champ de Mars with vintage cars and geeks getting out of their comfort zone.  A fancy dinner at Moulin Galette in Montmartre and then a nap for recovery that included ridiculous giggles with my two dear friends whom I am so grateful to have here.

a fancy dinner at Kong with a view over Pont Nuef at sunset with another new sweet friend.  Similar life stories and paths that led us to Paris.

More connections are made each day.  I love this city.

The weather has turned cold and I feel like it was as if I never left earlier this winter.  It is obvious the next season (of life) is upon me and the time to move forward again has come.

I leave in five days.  I fly to NYC where I will be slammed with work and emotions.

I am no wuss.  I can handle it.

Until then I get to have 5 more days of adventure in this city.  Here is hoping my return will be as planned.

Here we go..

Liquid courage always pays out in the end.
Awake after 4 hours of sleep and the finalé has finally come.

I want to choose you.
This has been the sweetest love my heart has ever known. But I know if I didn’t choose Paris, then I would regret it and I would blame you for that regret. And I won’t do that to you or us or myself.
It’s not that I thought this would continue once I moved here. It was more of this crazy thing called hope that we could overcome these extreme conditions and continue the sweetness.
We artists and dreamers tend to be full of hope and sometimes forget to check into reality.
I totally understand you need to have your heart and mind in NYC. I do not have ill feelings towards you for this.

Thank you for saying you loved me.
This is the best gift I could ever receive.

I didn’t choose Paris over you. No, I love you too much. I would choose you over this city any day. But I have to choose what my heart is telling me. I have to create, I have to be alive and that possibility is here.

You have been my favorite story of my life so far.
Kisses Frankie

I can’t get over the idea of you.

I want to remove you from my head.  It’s almost maddening how many times I think of you throughout the day and I just want to be rid of the distraction.

All I can think of is when you take my face and kiss me like I’ve never been kissed before.  How sweet you are and how grateful I am to feel loved and told that I am loved by someone again.  All I want to do so kiss those lips again.

I’m afraid to though. I’m afraid what was there before will no longer exist.  Another sign of what was is now gone.

Why are we as humans so adamant that things last forever when we know the answer is that things never do?

Walking through the city of Berlin where hundreds of years of history is under my feet.  A picture of how things can drastically change throughout time.  Where the starbucks is now hundreds of people died in the past.

Say yes to life. It is why you are here. To live it. Experience it. Each moment different from the next.  Be open to change. Be open to adventure.  Why is it I feel like I’m the crazy gypsy when this is what I was made to be?  I don’t want to mourn life.  I want to embrace it.

What is it about the unknown that we both love because of the mystery and hate out of fear?

It’s Monday and I’m at my friend Anne-sophie’s place watching the rain fall outside her 5th floor balcony window.  I’m grateful for a relaxed day to catch up on editing and client emails.   The rain is coming down hard and I feel that I missed my opportunity for that run earlier when there were some blue skies.  I opted for more sleep since that comes far and few between.

I loved Berlin.  It’s like a edgier, less stuck up Paris.  I need to go back.

Five years ago today I hopped a plane and set foot in Paris for the very first time. I had come to study photography and little did i know in that moment that my life would be forever changed because of that trip. I arrived jet lagged and psyched out of my mind to finally feast my eyes on this lovely city. I stumbled upon my hotel this week during one of my walks. It’s closed now and under renovations but it was exciting to stand there knowing the person I was when I first arrived that day and knowing who I am now. I quit my job when I had returned to the states and jumped in full time as a photographer and I have not regretted a single day of chasing that dream to a reality.

Sleep sleep sleep.  Can’t get enough after the lack of these last two weeks.

I grabbed drinks with a girl that I had met briefly on Christmas day at an Irish pub here in Paris.  Her simple English and my lack of french made for an entertaining couple hours of conversation but great none the less.

Today was laundry day, and of course catching up on a bit of work.  I’m so so behind it’s not even funny.

I am resisting texting Frankie.. I have to let go.  Why is it that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I want to get passed this.  I don’t want to care about him.  It is nice to know that I can get to know someone again in this capacity.  To interact in a genuine light way.  To learn to love someone despite things. It is a simple love, but love none the less.  I am so grateful for the experience.

I’m a catch! I’m amazing. Doesn’t someone want to be a part of that? Someone equally amazing! Where is my other half….

I have to be whole on my own first before I can contribute to someone else.

But are we ever whole?

Or is it more about the willingness to be on that journey.

“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Who gives a fuck about your first love. Give a big round of applause for your second love, because they taught you love still exists after you thought it could never again.”

I purchased sheep yogurt today by accident thinking it was natural sugar free yogurt.  It was.. nasty.  After eating one I decided to translate the label. oh my….

I will not let fear dictate my life.

He said he loved me.

What a great feeling that is for someone to give you those words.

A gift for sure.

I’m not moving to NYC.  Even though Paris is rubbing me raw, I HAVE to know what it is like to live here for a year. I have to.

Life is a choice.

I’m going to follow my heart.

Monday morning found me still in bed at 10am.  I had had big hopes of sleeping solidly through the night but my flat mates decided that 4:30am was a great time to cook, clean and play music in the room next to me.  AWESOMEFUCKYOU.

Yesterday was a blur of no sleep arriving back from london and transporting my luggage to my new place and prepping gear for another engagement session.  Again I’m blown away as to how well I know the city.  I find engagement sessions here a challenge because of the scale of everything.  I’ll get it down eventually.

Bretsy invited me over for wine and cheese after my session and we sat on the terrace and watched the blue hour disappear and talked about what the next year can/will be for all of us.   Christmas in the Alps, wedding in Sicily.  For me, I will prepare for my visa and hope to travel back and forth to CA to do the work I need to do.

Cross my fingers this all works.

Today I’m at one of my favorite cafe’s in Paris working on my laptop.  It’s super hipster and yet still french.  From my lunch table I viewed the Sacre couer. ::pinchme::

Not bad, not bad at all.

I’m really not a partyer .. But the last few weeks would say otherwise.

The truth is.. You give me alcohol and music and I’ll make my own party. People just tend to join in.

I’m waking up in Christians bed that I’m sharing with Em. He took the couch upstairs like a gentleman and gave us his room.

My body has finally adjusted to the time difference. Staying out all night may or may not have helped.

Yesterday we hoofed it through the city. We walked for almost 6 hours straight. We stopped for pastries and coffee at Megan’s on King Street and then took the tube to an amazing outdoor market. We grabbed some oysters and persecco and then walked the Thames and saw St. Paul’s , tower bridge, the eye, Big Ben, etc
We made our way back to refresh before dinner and round two.

We crawled in bed this morning at 5am.
I remember the blur of walking past Piccadilly Circus holding hands with Em was we were being pulled along by Christian and Daniel who were looking for cabs.

We had left the pink chihuahua were we had spent the last three hours drinking beer and dancing to weird 60’s music with the brit, Latvian, swede and American boy.

Em had challenged Christian to a blind taste test and we went to the Brits wine bar and had a great time. Christian proved his knowledge well and got the drinks on the house.

We had a great dinner of tapas at this restaurant Christian had found called Polpo.

Oh London. You have charmed me after all.

I’d love to meet a man that doesn’t want to have sex with me.

Well..  Atleast that his intentions not be fueled by this factor.

That I can have an interesting conversation based on the things discussed and not the eventual degradation of what is next. Does such a think exist?

Anyway..  on a separate note

Yesterdays texts with Frankie lead to a more clearer (but still not clear) picture of this coming to an end.  It was a blue day.  I felt relief and sadness.  I really like him. Who he is, how he lives his life, how he is to me.  The sweetest kindest man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing on a personal basis.  Why would I want to let that go?

I look at what I want for my life for the next 1-2 years and I see that he isn’t in it.  Time to let go.

My friends here threw me a surprise birthday party last night.  I feel so blessed and loved by these people.  I am so totally blown away.