Sarah Dawson – said with a Spanish accent. Swoon.

One moment.. in a dream. Sweet, amazing delightful man. Those eyes, that smile. Makes my heart melt and skip a beat. The way he cares for me. Natural.. not trying. Just is. I more than like him. I sounded like a broken record, “me encanta”.. But I caught myself almost saying, “I love you”.. and in this fresh delightful newness of puppy love.. I do. .::pum pum pum::. No words. … and I find that I suddenly cannot breathe at all. And as if it was a snake, I shy away from it. No.. no no. So much pain still there.
Oh but love… both terrifying and exhilarating. Oh so terrifying. I don’t trust it. Not one bit. But I want to I really really want to trust it. The way he laughs.. the way he lives, the way he makes me smile.
The next moment, oh the insecurities. Just give him time. He’s gonna realize you are a fake. But I am just me. Not fake.. just a bumbling, broken, emotional thing. But once he realizes it. Is he gonna want to stick around?
I want to be an artisan. I want to care about the details. I want to work so fucking hard and see the results of my labor. I don’t want distractions. And he is SUCH a distraction. But a welcome one. He soothes my heart. Makes me smile. Makes me fucking smile.
What do you want Sarah? Paris/NYC/PARIS/NYC. Am I saying no or am I just afraid to let him in? I don’t want to say yes to this and it not work out and then… regret not chasing what my heart originally wanted. But I made these plans before all this.. and… when I was in a place that felt so so right. Was I motivated by the wrong things? What is the right kind of motivation? Does such a thing exist? But if I hadn’t decided to chase after Paris when I returned… I wouldn’t have met him either. It’s all connected. The reason I was in NYC at that time was to chase this path… oh the crazy life I live.
So many past painful words echo in my mind.. are these things legit or am I letting those things get to me? Poor guy.. He is having to undo all the damage that was done. Will he make it through? Will i? I feel like a big ball of nerves most of the time. It’s hard to open up and let someone in. I was shattered to pieces. I’m still putting myself back together. I’m not whole. I’m not good enough for this sweet man.
::I’m too aware. I’m too much in my own mind all the time. I just need to be. I just need to breathe.::
I’m on his mind all the time. He brought me back perfume from Spain. He wants to see me again. I gave him my scarf at the airport. He sprayed it with my perfume so he can smell it and think of me. Sweet good bye kisses and laughs. I’ll see him again in two weeks. After that, I have no idea.

I’m hungry for life. I’m hungry for love. I’m hungry to love.
salute

I spent the fourth drinking beer and taking shots like there is no tomorrow. I swam in the ocean, laid on the beach watching fireworks over Hamptons bay and as I listened to 22 spaniards joke and laugh this sweet man kissed my shoulder and said he would never forget this day.

I love flying.

Watching the world whisk away beneath me. Everything miniature. A new perspective on life. The literal bigger picture..

Currently flying over middle America. Flying to see the Spaniard for the fourth of July. I can’t help but feel this is different. But good glory… where will I be a year from now? Haha.. oh how things change so quickly. It’s weird to think of such things and my immediate reaction is that I will be in a sad dark place. Maybe that because I feel that is all I deserve. Maybe it feels like that is what is next. I’m too happy… literally.. walking around the airports today with a stupid grin on my face. STUPID. Haha…..

Middle America’s sunset reminds me of cotton candy.. bright pink, purple.. the fluffy parts darken where the bites have been taken from adding texture to the otherwise bliss of repetitive texture.

2am packing – check
panic attack/anxiety breakdown – check
It wouldn’t be a trip to NYC without the above.

Maybe It’s because NYC always ends up being epic. It has always been a terrifying city for me. and yet again, this time will be oh so different. I can hardly contain myself.

Fear, here I come. I’m not running away. I’m diving in.

I’m afraid of good things happening to me. Good man, good love, good life. Delightful adventures, amazing experiences. I feel like I don’t deserve them. My life is too amazing. Someone make it stop before the universe corrects itself and I come crashing crashing to bits.
But who wants a safe life? Not me. I’ve tossed it all away. Give me the tight rope. I want the challenge, the thrill and the victory of making it to the other side.

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.”

Be safe, be happy, be free. xoxo

Oh what a year can do.

Time space experiences. A year ago today I bought myself my Tiffany’s ring. I was in NYC for my first time ever and my life would never be the same.

So many things since then.. So many more laughs and tears. More drunken mistakes.. More drunken fun. A big known world and yet so much more world to be discovered. No regrets. Not a one. Live, breath, love. Be kind.

Tomorrow I hop a plane to NYC for the 4th time. No work, just play. So much play. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

You’d think I was getting married with the amount of pampering I have been doing lately. airbursh tan, mani/pedi, facials, kickboxing/yoga/running, detox diet, waxing, hair cut and color, teeth whitening and eating fruits and veggies all day everyday. What we girls do to embrace our most genuine self! ha!

I got through another pms breakdown without going bat shit crazy on Frankie and everything. I did my best not letting my anxiety and hormones get the best of me. Good glory!! Almost didn’t survive there. Texts from him today with a 9 hour time difference with no connection were like candy. Five days until I get to see. that. smile. :gah:

Getting shit done feels great. Albums ordered, gallery show prep underway, headway in branding/logo and website. GLOREHH.

July is going to be brutal. I can do this. ICANDOTHIS.

I feel that I am passing up opportunities that should be jumped on. Roomies with friends in NYC dont’ just open up all the time. AH.. I hope everything works out in the end!

Opposite side of the globe texts that say this is more than just silliness and smiles. More than just fun and laughs. It has intent, it has depth. Stop being a scaredee cat. Time to let someone in. Which means.. showing more layers Sarah.. gotta let him in if its going to last.

Snippets of a culture that I’ve never met.
It looks amazing.

Dreaming of the possibilities that I have yet to imagine.

Sueno.

I’m finally at a place again I can think of others. How much I love being able to love those around me. Half of my week has been errands and favors for those I love. Scheduling dates and coffee and movies with family. This is what real life is. People. There will always be work to do and other things to be doing to be busy. Give me people.

9 days until the Hamptons. The last 2.5 weeks has put be in an awkward place. Feeling pushed away. Trying to hold on. Anxiety getting the best of me. hormones kicking in. Happened across the photos from SF today. looking through them reminded me of what it was in person. undeniable. surprising. To not know someone, and yet to feel that way. I don’t know what it is.. but I want more. It’s the craziest thing. I hope it is still that when I arrive in 9 days.

I really don’t think it’s possible to learn two different languages at the same time.

I’m I splitting myself In half in other ways too? Too many directions, not very productive.
Running, yoga, eating healthy, trying new places, guitar, Spanish, French.. Photography, art, business! People!! judy.. traveling. a lil bit of everything. Too many things. Too many things?

Dreamy lovey goodness. How did I survive last year?! I am so glad I didn’t give up and quit. So glad that I am no longer bitter and broken. So glad I am open to dreamy whimsy love again.

Musings: love isnt logical. Nor is there a moment where things line up perfectly and make sense. It is the opposite of logic and science. It breaks all the rules and challenges the status quo. It takes our box of rules and dumps it out with joyous triumph. Stop trying to live a life of love that fits in your box. It is not meant to be tamed in such a way.

:ilalamemejoiedevivrequamoi:

Saying good bye to my sactuary today. It has been blissful. Back to the ‘rents and not sleeping and feeling discombobulated. I feel so productive this week. Great meetings, running, yoga, editing, headway with branding/website. Yes.. its a good week.
Long vm’s and sweet simple text messages sooth my anxiety. Oh relationships.. you will be the death of my nervous system.

Busy weekend ahead. Not complaining. I am best when I have billions of projects at once.

¡salud!