Blown away.

I finally pulling my head out of the depths of my despair i’ve been through these last 2 years and really seen the visual effects of everything I have been through. I went through my blog posts from the beginning to present day.. and one thing is for sure.. I completely lost my stride for the last 20 months. I was blogging consistently and then boom, literally nothing for 6 months. mother fucker.
Good news is my imagery is stronger.
blah.

How do i make up for lost time.. the long term effects are what? Get it going Sarah, get it going.

Officially sold the rest of my belongings yesterday. Officially a gypsy.
The spaniard called me his girl. And talked about me to his family.
I am officially making plans to leave.
I spent the morning puking after drinking last night.

“so much of this life is lived in between. between the now and the not yet, between arriving and departing, between growing up and growing old, between questions and answers. lord help us not live for the distant day when the in-between will be no more, but help us to have the courage to step into this sacred peace of the in-between – knowing that is a place where life is transformed.

“I never lived a year better spent in love, Cuz I know my weakness know my voice, so now believe in grace and choice And I know perhaps my heart is farce, but I’ll be born without a mask..”

“All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.” -T.E. Lawrence

Another reminder today to enjoy the elements that I am currently living. Each day is a gift, a new experience and joy.

nothing is constant. nothing is forever. Enjoy them for what they are here and now.

Delightful.

What a dream life is. I love it. My story, your story. I cant get enough. Good, bad, whatever. It makes us who we are. You really do live in one of the best cities in the world. Even if that chapter ends, what a chapter it was!! But.. not to worry. there are more chapters coming. The end of the book is the best, because, we see the whole journey.. and can smile at it all.

He likes me.
“You will get what you want. For sure. I know that because of that smile. The same one that caught my eye. And since that second, I’ve wanted to know more about you.”

“that is what I did when I moved to New York and since I’ve met you.”

That is enough today. I’ll take it.

I sound like man. I am one week into this disgusting sickness and I want to tear my nose from my body. Gross. I had to shoot a wedding with stuffed ears and a frog voice while wiping my nose every 30 seconds.

Fuck.

I would go for a run right now, but, I can’t breathe.

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Wedding in Yosemite. Gorgeous scenery. Hiked to the base of Upper Yosemite Falls with Angie and Fern. Great day of romping around the valley with them. Can’t wait to go back. Half dome is now on my must do list/ aka bucket list.

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I’m making plans for next year… but, what am I to do? I just don’t know anymore.
I’m making plans, and having meetings, but what? what now, what next? which direction. Blah.

I’m starting to get concerned about too many things. But perhaps I’ve always been.

Fear fear fear. Go away.

NYCPARISNYCPARIS. Which one which one which one. Both seem possible. One seems harder than the other. and then again, not. Two options.. just as difficult as the other. Which do you want. I want life. I want to make the right decision. I want the next adventure. Things that are terrifying always end up being the best experience. Not all positive.. but an adventure non the less. Live Sarah, live.

Stencil it on your forehead: “Safety is overrated! Taking risks are where the payoffs happen! and you absolutely will survive.”

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I was reflecting this morning on the impact that we have on each others lives. Even a simple short interaction with a stranger can remain a memory. How much more so the people we see on a regular basis. It causes me to desire to live in a way that even the simplest conversation leave something positive behind. I am guilty of being wrapped up in my own little bubble and losing sight of what it is to contribute to those around me and instead I take. Here’s to a new day and positive new habits.

Graduation Parties, family, friends. Gypsy roadtrips to Carmel and spooning three deep in the back of Jenny’s car. Sunrise over Monterey bay and epic eggs benedict and feet in the sand as the morning welcomes the day. I’m now exhausted and of course my emotions and insecurities are getting the best of me.

I so desperately want to be satisfied being alone and single. Even now in this moment I want to find a friend to accompany me in this evening instead of being alone. I suppose all things come with discipline and I could use a ton more of that in my life. I forced myself to go to the grocery store and bought food for the week. I even rode my bike for the extra challenge. I’m now going to make salads and breakfast for the whole week to keep me on a healthy and cheaper eating schedule.

My goal for this week is to wrap up more loose ends from previous wedding years and finish the rest of april/mays shoots so as to start June off in the right foot.

Here we go.

So many uncertainties.

ME: slow business. maybe just too high of expectations. time to revamp. maybe I’m distracted. truth.
Not sure where to end up. So many hurdles to overcome. Time to buck up and put your money where your mouth is.

HIM: denied contract. doesn’t know if he will be in NYC at the end of the year. His options: london, madrid and brasil. (fuck.)

Enjoy it for the summer. A memorable summer indeed.

Hamptons for the 4th of July. Here I come!