All of a sudden I dont have the energy to write.
Blah.

I bought a smokin hawt dress today from Zara. Shouldnt, but couldn’t resist. haha.. I’m in love with a pair of heels they had there, but I have to order them online! booo!

I had lunch with the lovely Chloe today and visited her workspace at refinery 29. Delightful work atmosphere and such a fun topic to be involved in. She is soo in her element and really loves her job. I’m so happy for her and hope that it continues to be an amzing thing.

I ate a most delicious burger for lunch and then shared a yummy dinner with the girls back at their place. Even though it was 45 degrees out we ran down the block to Van Leeuwans for ice cream. derish.

Otherwise it was a seemingly mild day or wandering the city. Recognizing areas from my previous trips and remembering what it was like then vs now. I love that these memories show the miles stones of my life and the experiences I gone through.

I arrived last night in a personal car and met Chloe at her cute place in Carrol Gardens. We ate the most amazing couscous for dinner and I told her stories of Paris and the last few months. It is interesting to see oneself through other peoples eyes. I supposed my life has been pretty cool/crazy. I needed that reminder.

I woke this morning after 12 hours of glorious sleep. I went on a three mile run along the Brooklyn waterfront and view the downtown part of NYC. Such an incredible view. NYC’s skyline is extremely impressive. Never fails to make me feel small and show that there is so much going on in life and that I only play one part. It was so cold out at and windy that at one point I literally had to stop and catch my breath.

I met up with DCO at his studio and then we went over to a recording studio in Harlem and photographed a dj/producer for Billboard magazine. It was so great to experience a shoot behind the scenes and see how light is used and manipulated in different situations and what equipment to use and how. Afterwards we grabbed dinner and gabbed about the industry. It was a good first day. Nothing going on tomorrow. I think I will gather my computer and go and work from a french cafe I saw not far from here. A little bit if emails and editing and then off to do a little shopping and picture taking of the city. :)

Peace.

Why is it I have the most anxiety traveling to NYC. My first trip there I almost had a episode of sorts. My excitement gets the best of me? My second trip there I was running away from all my pain. What a whirlwind that was. Third times the charm. Bring it on.

At this moment I am surrounded by my laundry and of course I hate everything I own. Nothing to wear in fabulous NYC. I have to pack smart and light and leave space bc I KNOW I will purchase things while I’m there anyway. BLAH
——-

Delightful weekend.

Friday: tutus, girl time, blue wig and mini mouse, sunshine and bicycles through midtown. Makes my heart happy.

Saturday engagement session in Pleasanton. Dinner in the mission with the poet who was visiting from SF. News is he might be moving there. That complicates things but at the same time I am delighted. I enjoy his company. So naive and yet so brilliant.

Sunday – bike ride around downtown, client meeting in my space, food at GB and finished two big projects. Success.

tomorrow – Engagement session in Santa Cruz. Get home just in time to fly to NYC. My goodness my life is not boring.

Cheers darlings.

——

NYC part three – dynamics are all different this time around. I’m not the same person. I’m not in need the same way I was before. I’m hungry for a different experience this time. Something a little more wholesome than before perhaps? …But it will happen as it is meant to be and it will be perfect and will continue to shape me into who I am to become.

where does it come from?

Is it perceived? created? Tangible?

how does one value self?

I set the tone. I choose the contributors. Am I choosing wisely?

It is better than it was. Or is it? I think so. Instead of deep wounds now it is small bruises. They still damage but disappear in a week. But did I really feel my lacerations? I was so numb at the time.

Now I’m too aware. and too miserable in my own current element. All I’m looking for is a distraction. But what I should be is focusing on the future. I want someone to save me from it all. But only I can do that for myself. Only me.

Conversations from others show me I’m not drowning. Although it may feel like it. That I’m fine. That I’m on course. That I just need some help and that I will make it through.
I will make it through. It is not all for not. It is not a loss. It is a change. Most days I feel lost. Without direction. I move my feet forward and I’m not sure which way they lead each other. But you are moving Sarah. You have not rolled over and declared yourself dead. You will make it through.

I miss love. I miss relationship. I love people. I love to celebrate people. I love getting to know people on an intimate level. “What do you love?, what do you want out of life? what do you seek to conquer every day?” I want to cheer you on dear dreamer. For I too dream these dreams. I don’t want to do it alone. When you are alone it feels like it’s you against the world. Where is my companion? Where is my other half? Where is my dreamer cheering me on when I can’t go any further.

I feel that I have created so much. I look at my body of work and I am half satisfied and half horrified. ha. That I have emptied out of me every once of inspiration that my heart had. I’m looking for what is next. I want a challenge. I want the next adventure. Maybe that is why I want to go to school. A new challenge. A new way to see the world. A new way to value myself.

That moment when your newly announced life mantra is challenged.
“Do not make decisions based on fear”.

I’m afraid of heights.

I’m also afraid of swimming in the ocean.

Two things in which I fully embraced today.

I jumped of a 45 foot cliff into the ocean.

The scariest moment was climbing back up out of the water on a ladder that swaaaaaayyyeeedd this way and that. My adrenaline filled muscles and wet hands and feet tried not to think about it as I made me way back up.

But I did it. I knew if I walked away from the moment, if I had chickened out, that I would berate myself and feel like a failure. Like my old self, like someone who gives up when things are difficult or scary. No more “safe” life. More life please.

How many times must I take the plunge? Every day. Every day someone, somewhere, something new. My poor introvert self wants to crawl up inside herself away from all of it. The other part of me loves it, lives it, dances in it. What a crazy dance life is.

Seester time has been great. Good laughs. Light hearted hanging out. Delightful.

No tan yet. Must remedy that soon. Pasty whiteness be gone.

Mon couer.

Forget me now, my dear my darlin.

“I just wanna hold your hand. Hang on every word you say, write a song for us and sing it ’til we’re old and gray.”

You’ll be the only one for me.

One moment: happy free alive, content. The next: bleu, alone, paranoid.(I’m paranoid of being paranoid ha.). Questioning every decision I’ve ever made in my life.

Relationships. Worth fighting for. What is it to be with someone? Sharing those intimacies, every day moments shared, the burden of life; shared. Morning giggles, brunch buddies, mac and cheese dates. Why is it that we both fight for and against them. What part of them does not fit our box? Why do we even have a box?

Life. I want outside the norm. I want to be happy where I’m at. Everyone running around like they have the secret to happiness and success. Reality is: we’re all the same.

Just me: Freedom. To be, to breath, to dream. Am I following through? Or just chasing clouds?

What do you want Sarah? What do you want.

Live in the moment? Or live for the future? How can one do both?

Short term goals, long term goals, dreams, to do lists.

I want to celebrate life. I want to celebrate people.

I want that bliss I feel inside me to be seen through what I create.

How. What. When? Stop getting distracted.

Create. Slow down. Just be. Breath.

Breath.

Breath.

I finally made it to wppi again. It felt like ages since I had been there. It was definitely a lifetime ago. IT was a last minutes decision to go, but I’m so glad I did. It was just the right amount of crazy, fun, inspiration and motivation I needed to get my head in the game for this wedding year. It also reminded me that I can love weddings and that I do.

I met a hot Australian who turned out to be quite the gentleman. It isn’t something I want to repeat, but is a funny memory and story to say the least. I was laughing as I was retelling the story to my mother. I couldn’t believe I was telling her.

Last night was free yoga and lulu, bottomless mimosas brunch with cutie Mrs. a little bit of sunshine, shopping and walking around midtown and ended it with jello shots and dancing with my favorites.

Today was a productive day of work, and a run and capped off with a beer and people watching. Fucking delightful.

5 days until hawaii. 2 weeks until NYC 4 months until Paris.

Glory.

Weekend shenanigans.

Glory.

A date with francophile. Bumping into asshole #2. Getting free booze at the hyatt. Free yoga at lululamon with yogi girlfriend. Hungout with baby stripe and mama, cleaned my office, went for a run. Republican convention and people I could go without seeing. Forever. Drunk Teezy and drunk Sarah trying to put on lipstick. On each other. Teezy and I ended up at the mix, where we drunkinly took over a VIP booth. I felt so uncomfortable, I leaned over and said to Jenny’s boss ..”I feel like such a whore”. (LOL)

Sarah – remember that one time you hung out with The Heavy at some divey venue in Paris.
haha.
yea.

Oh wanderlust. You will be the death of me. or atleast my retirement.

Smiles for the day: francophile friend, sam edelman shoes, happy clients

Musings for the day – ever present restlessness, disconnected productivity, desire for regemine.

Yesterday was a jeans and hoody day, paired with super sparkly gems. I was cozy and sophisticated. I hope.

Went to Low Brau and listened to Musical Charis play as well as Autumn Sky. I love creatives. I love passion. I love when people pursue their dreams and can play the tunes of their soul.
More more. more please.