2012 takes the cake for the most intense year of my life.

I look at my self a year ago and I see someone in pain, broken and hopeless.
I see myself now and I am happy, dreaming and matured.
There is still sadness. There is still loss. But I have tasted what the future can hold. It has left me hungering for more.

I am trying to keep myself motivated and let myself believe that living in Paris is a possibility. It seems completely unattainable. It seems completely selfish. Self fulfilling and therefore not allowed. But I sit here in my parents house, driving through Roseville, walking downtown and I know that this is not enough for me anymore. Not just enough but it only holds sadness, and I am done with being sad.

Yesterday i was gleeful and eager to begin the work waiting. Today I am bleu and wondering if anything is possible.
All I want to do is sleep and stay in bed for the next month.

I wonder what 2013 can offer me. I have seen the highest peeks and the lowest valleys. I wonder what else can possibly come my way.
I guess only time will tell.

To create. Work hard and become an artisan.

be more disciplined and create a daily regimen.

pay off business loan.

read a book a month. read about artists.

be curious about life. ask questions. read up on details.

learn guitar.

learn french.

Home for three days and i’m still on cloud nine. A bit of restlessness that comes with wanting to move forward, but I need to just sit stil for a few days and let things settle first. I just photographed a wedding in LA and i’m headed back to Sacramento to snuggle my dearests and ring in the new year.
What a crazy year this has been. Who would have known 365 days ago how full my heart would be? Many an option before me, and I don’t know where to go. It is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. I’m in love with life and willing to do the hard work to make living possible.

Paris knew. Knew I needed one more night with the people I love. One more memory of sweet genuine laughter, drinks and charming memories. Another example of how allowing the uncomfortable elements be and enjoying the benefits of them.

I go home unsure of what home is. Unsure of what my options are, unsure of where the next 12 months may take me.

What I know is this: I desire to create, I desire to love, I desire to live.

I have a clearer more defined picture of what those things are.

More stripping away of what doesn’t belong. Burning away old shapes that no longer define. I’m afraid of those elements trying to work their way back in. No, no more. No thanks.
I am free.

Riding in a taxi on my way to the airport. Sporting last nights burgandy dress and black boots since everything else was already packed. I’m watching the sunrise and my city is whisking away through the window. I’m seeing parts of Paris I didn’t wander to and I ache to think I missed out on something epic. I know I will be back again. Leaving something undone creates a desire to finish. I will be back again. Each time is better than the last. But no regrets, what is is what is meant to be. I have lived, loved and laughed with no reserve.

J’non pas fine.

I’m my best and self with camera.
Today is a new day and I feel alive after the walking death of yester.

Breakfast, music and then walking for 5 hours exploring the city and its alleys and streets. My last day is tomorrow and i am sad to leave but also glad to see my dear faces again soon.

Such an experience this has been.

Tonight I am dressed to the nines. It’s Christmas eve after all and I”m in fucking Paris.

We shall see where the evening takes us.

Hangover.

Walking in the rain. Place des vosges. Le Marais in the rain. Lovely. I love Paris. It never gets old.

Fancy dinner out and then drinking and drinking and drinking. Followed by dancing. Crazy town. I’m gonna have to recover for the whole month of January.

Hungover. Greetings.. long walks. Laughter. Changed apartments. Candelaria. More mixed messages. Pigalle. 5am hamburgers. Fighting frenchies for taxi’s. No email.

Complicated schedule. Mixed feelings. Unclear messages. Vespa rides through the city. Famous photographers. Lovely faces. Good byes you don’t want to peeled out of your lips. Good byes that are said and aren’t said. Good byes for later. Good byes for forever. Good byes you didn’t know were good byes.

Good people, bad people. Bad people? Not my people.

No more wine. No more wine!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Men.

I’m so so over them.

Confusing, misleading, and emotional. Blah.