For the life of me I cannot sleep tonight. Maybe too many thoughts swirling in my brain. Maybe the coffee I had a 5pm. Womp womp.

Convos yesterday about sex and dating and the internet dating age. Why am I so lucky to be dating at this time in the world?! *sarcasm* For someone that is learning how to do it as a grown adult and then there are the extra challenges of social abnormalities that are now the norm of this modern age. Great.

I attended a bbq for labor day at a place in the mission. I arrived with my talented lovely high school art teacher single girl friend to a house full of guys who have great jobs, their own places, are in the prime of their life and all single. Basic conversations were somehow awkward and or strained. There was no effort made by any of the guys to “get to know her” – Inquiries or conversation of any sort. It’s so much easier to pick out your date on an app based on a photo then it is to try and engage a girl emotionally in person. What is this world I live in?

I am nowhere near being perfect and or ready to contribute to a relationship in a positive and uplifting way. I see too much the crazy/sad being I am. Maybe a decent guy would encourage the right and positive thoughts emotions instead of the self conscience self loathing ones I feel after a “date”. It is possible.. but not in the world I see before me and that I am currently living. How far can this downward spiral last in our society? We shall see.

Things that have been said to me:
” maybe you should consider dating someone less good looking ”
” maybe you should consider that you need to stay still in order to date someone ”

Basic rules for dating –
You’re supposed to wait for the guy to text you, ask you out, make a move, continue to pursue you. At any moment that you take this initiative into your own hands, respond to eagerly or too quickly or even at all… its over.

I honestly wish I could completely block it out of my mind and thought process. Focus my time and energy on something so much more lucrative. Which God or universe do I have to ask to remove this from my being?

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do With your one wild and precious life?” ― Mary Oliver

I haven’t wanted to write at all this year. I’m so tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over again.
but here I am
7 weeks until I leave for asia.

2.5 weeks until Paris.

I already have more international euro trips on the horizan for 2016.
I also have been leaning towards south america for next fall. Machu Picchu is calling my name.

India is too, but its not time yet.

My room is now set. It is everything I want and need. decor, cozy, simplicity and function.
Perhaps its too cozy bc I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. More on that another time.

Off to a concert with the british boy. Taking things at face value.. it keeps me content.

“So when your hopes on fire
But you know your desire
Don’t hold a glass over the flame
Don’t let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road”

LA for 24 hours and seeing one of my favorite bands live in concert. Birthday wishes from all over the world. Literally.
Purchased new pretty towels. Grocery shopped for yummy eats. My girlfriends are coming down for the weekend to celebrate and explore with me.
I went for a run around Lake Merritt as the sun was setting. My bank account is full. I bought my plane ticket from/to/Tokyo/Taipai.
British boy sent me an video message from London. Happy clients from two hard days work to the point reaffirmed with emails and cash tips.

This is your life.

Today I recounted the breaking point to an inquiring new and dear friend. Talking about it is easy now, but when I get into it I begin to feel the weight of what had past come to my throat. It’s nice to hear them say and acknowledge the heart break and pain. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was painful.

Yesterday I was post wedding recovery and brunch/bloody marys with the Nash’s downtown. We talked about Hawaii for Christmas. C’est possible! I removed Australia from my itinerary for the fall. I’m going to focus on just Asia. I feel like I want a fuller / singular experience there. I cannot wait.

I’ve been casually dating thanks to dating apps. I’m not going for a record but I have had 4 dates in one week and two in one night. haha.. It’s been fun and boring and interesting and sweet. It’s weird to have the mindset of “unintentional” dating. Basically I just need to not care about the person I’m seeing. Why do I get attached so easily?

I climbed a tree with a british boy. We rendezvous’d to soak up the evening sun and drink beers on the edge of Lake Merritt. We both rode our bikes there. We talked of Seville and London and the light in Scotland. He’s a little shy and stutters out of nervousness a little when about to speak. He’s only been here a few months. Oakland is new to us both.

Two months here now. I’m headed out to Texas/Florida/New York next week for 10 days. Work and fun. I am grateful for this life.

Quotes collected recently

“She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look like nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.”

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

“Honor the space between no longer and not yet.”

“He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.”

Today I must edit three sessions, practice my uke before my teacher arrives and meet a guy I met online for drinks.

Marci congratulated me on my “casual” dating. Thanks.

Oakland has been a rough transition. I have been working so much I have had no time to socialize/make new friends here and so when I do have those moments of needing a familiar friendly face at the end of the day I am left without. It’s been a productive month of shooting/editing.. but a lonely one for sure.

I’m setting my intention to “be” more graciously and without so much expectation.

I’ll be sedentary for the next 4 weeks. This news may be a minor miracle. I survived the madness of April/May/June. Well, barely. Allergies that turned into a sinus infection that turned into my body shutting down with a fever for 4 days. Ok July. Let’s bring on the slower pace.

I pick up my bicycle tomorrow and I’m so stoked to enjoy some freedom from a car. (But, I am so thankful for my car.)

I forcing myself to write even though I am not inspired to.

I am so overwhelmed by work I cannot breathe.

I moved into my place in a flurry. I hosted my first guest the same day after my friend Lili’s departure I passed out with a fever for three days. Too much going on. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” and well death sounded pretty good but I made myself rest.
My room and space is coming along. I want so badly for my space to be perfect but I’m also deciding what that even means. It’s good that I can’t afford to buy anything else. It’s forcing me to just take it all in. It definitely feels like home though and I even managed to find a gorgeous vista 20 mins from my place. Score. I love the newness of this familiar and-yet-not, town. Cheers to this next chapter for sure.

I made peace with my past. Peace with Frankie, Peace with Rob, Peace with Kyle. Simple conversations that needed to happen. I wonder why I feel so generous. Maybe because I am stable on my own again?
I knew I needed this space. And time is a beautiful thing.

A grand rendezvous of my worlds. Sf/Paris and NYC in the flesh and sharing smiles. Perhaps this all really does work after all. “You’ve created something special for yourself”. Indeed I have. I have sweet people to call my friends. Ones that fly across the world or country to hangout. I am so grateful.
4 weddings and multiple shoots in NYC this year. Maybe NYC is a good place to be for my in-betweens. It’s something to think about. The stress level has been out of control though for these weddings. Rental car prices and being scammed and towed has cost me my ability to purchase a bed for myself.

. Realizations — I’m an independent woman that likes her time and space for herself as much as possible.
I’m ready for something new . I want time and space for myself free of obligations.
I want to work hard.
I want to get my degree and finish my education.
I need to start thinking of my future. – savings, retirement etc
I want to do personal projects – create /collaborate

Goals for the summer – lose 5lbs, put aside some savings, continue with French, take up ukulele, explore Oakland – Find Balance.

Grateful for – connections with new people that I have been able to maintain during this transitory year that have turned into friendships.
For old friendships that I have fought for and hopefully will continue to survive this next transition.
For work work work! My bills are paid, I have a car, a home and travel on the horizon. I am so grateful.
For my body, my mind, my spirit. These things are me. They are mine. They belong to no one but me and they are uniquely me.

Things I want to work on –
Be a better listener.
Push myself when I feel that I am getting lazy (in work, in life, in myself). This happens too often.
Drink less. Way less. Be ok with that person that isn’t “sasha”.

Boom. And the new chapter begins..

I signed a lease for a place to live and bought a car. I bought a car. Double up the commitment and leave me panting for breath. Here we go!